(While sitting at a desk behind a divider, helping one of my students read a book, I hear a boy I do not recognize talking to his mentor:)

Boy: “What is metal?”

(Surprised, the mentor stutters for a minute.)

Mentor: “Well, the chair is metal and the table legs are metal; surely he know what metal is!”

Boy: “Are you metal?”

Mentor: “No, dear, I am human.”

Boy: “No? But I am. My head is like a rock.”

(I have no idea who that child was, but he’s awesome.)

(I volunteer twice a week in the local elementary school’s reading mentors program. Today, as I am working with my student behind one of the dividers, I hear the following exchange take place.)

Mentor: “Can you find Brazil on the map?”

Boy: “No. These maps! They lie to me!”

(The poor mentor then tries to gently encourage the little fellow not to tell the booklet that it is a liar.)

Boy: “THESE MAPS ARE LIES!”

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(It is my fifth grade year. We are in the computer lab, with two people to a computer. My partner and I have agreed that I will go first. However, when I start doing the activity, she repeatedly reaches in front of me, trying to grab the mouse.)

Me: “[Partner], stop it!”

Teacher: “Who said “stop it?”

Me: *thinking she’s going to tell [Partner] to leave me alone* “I said stop it.”

Teacher: “Is that appropriate language?”

Me: *not wanting to be confrontational and get into more trouble* “Umm… no?”

Teacher: “What should you have said?”

Me: “…[Partner], please stop it?”

Teacher: “Very good. I’ll only take five minutes off your recess.”

Me: *whispering to [Partner]* “She should have heard what [Student] said when he lost at tetherball the other day.”

(I am touring my son’s grade-three classroom during parent-teacher night. The walls are decorated with students’ landscape drawings, some of which have the child’s name printed on them and some don’t. I see a picture with the trees, grass, and sky depicted in colours not found in nature.)

Me: “That’s [Son]’s drawing, isn’t it?”

Teacher: “Yes, it is. How did you know?”

(Every year I write a note to his current teacher, explaining that he is profoundly colour-blind, but they never seem to pay any attention.)

(I am an aide at an elementary school. This conversation happens with a couple of third graders. Spring break is drawing near. Note: It is a well-known fact that I have a pet rat.)

Student #1: “Miss [My Name], what are you going to do for Easter?”

Me: “Um… I don’t know. Watch TV?”

(Student #1 looks horrified that I don’t have any real plans.)

Student #1: “But it’s Easter! You should spend time with your rat.”

Me: “Well, of course I will. He will likely be watching TV with me.”

Student #1: “You should do something with him. Dress him up like… I don’t know, Darth Vader.”

Student #2: “Darth Vader? No, you should dress him up as Yoda! Yoda is small.”

Student #1: “And make him a light-saber.”

Me: “Yes, because nothing says, ‘It’s Easter!’ quite like Star Wars.”