(I’m tutoring a girl on the times tables, and having some difficulty.)

Me: “All right, [Girl], let’s see. What’s one times two?”

(The girl scrunches her face up in concentration.)

Girl: “I dunno.”

Me: “Well, try two times two!”

(The girl replies automatically.)

Girl: “Four.”

(I blink, then try again.)

Me: “Three and two?”

(The girl has difficulty again, and I try again:)

Me: “Four times two?”

Girl: *again, automatically* “Eight.”

(I’m starting to catch on.)

Me: “Eight times two.”

Girl: “Sixteen.”

Me: “Sixteen times two.”

Girl: “Thirty-two.”

(We keep going until we reach 2048.)

Me: “2048 times two.”

(The girl scrunches up again.)

Me: “Huh?”

Girl: “I didn’t get that far…”

(My aunt’s wife has a deaf relative, so she learned ASL. My aunt has taught my younger brother, a first grader, some of the naughtier signs.)

Teacher: “Today we’re learning about sign language! Does anyone know any signs?”

Brother: “Oh, I do! I do!”

Teacher: “Wonderful, [Brother], show us the sign and then tell us what it means!”

Brother: *crosses his arms in front of him, makes horns with one hand and a flicking motion with the other, then proudly exclaims* “This means bull-s***!”

Teacher: “…I’m going to need to call your mother about this.”

(I teach English in Korea and sometimes the students use words they’ve heard outside of class. One student is talking and won’t be quiet.)

Student #1: *to talking student* “Shut up!”

(I look at him, and he realizes he was rude.)

Student #1: *to same student* “Shut your mouth!”

Me: “‘Shut up,’ ‘shut your mouth,’ and ‘be quiet’ all mean to stop talking, but ‘be quiet’ is nice. You don’t want to be rude.”

(Inspired by things one shouldn’t do, a student in the back of the class suddenly stands up, two middle fingers blasted towards the ceiling.)

Standing Student: “And teacher, NO F******!”

(I wanted to laugh but instead told him that he was right, the gesture and the word were not something to say to parents, teachers, and most other people!)

(I’m with my parents, visiting a school to help my parents decide whether they’re going to enroll me there. We’re talking to the principal about discipline.)

Parent: “So, what kind of discipline do you use here?”

Principal: “We give verbal warnings first, and then students are sent to my office, where they are spanked. Depending on the parent’s preference, I can spank them or a parent can be called to the school to spank them.”

(My parents are dumbfounded. We don’t spank in my household.)

Me: “Mr. [Principal], people aren’t for hitting!”

Mom: “Yeah, we’re not enrolling her here.”

(My grandfather was a NASA astronaut. You probably don’t believe me, but I’m used to that. I am in the fourth grade. My teacher tells the class that our current subject in science will be space. The teacher pins a big piece of paper on the wall, opens up a marker, and asks the class to raise their hands and tell her what they know about outer space.)

Student #1: “Mars is Red!”

Student #2: “Stars are pretty!”

Student #3: “I can see the moon at night!”

Teacher: “Okay, [My Name], what do you know about outer space?”

Me: “My grandpa was an astronaut!”

(She looks at me, tilts her head, and rolls her eyes.)

Teacher: “Okay. [My Name]’s grandpa was an astronaut.”

(She sarcastically writes my addition on the piece of paper, looks back to me with a smug look, and moves on to other students. I didn’t know it at that time, but she didn’t believe me. But looking back on it, I don’t really blame her. Would you believe a fourth grader that said his grandpa was an astronaut? A few weeks later, the teacher across the hall comes to our class to chat with my teacher and notices that we are talking about space. She was my older brother’s fourth grade teacher two years earlier. When my brother was in fourth grade, Grandpa actually came to school to talk to his class and left them a book. Needless to say, the subject came up.)

Other Teacher: “You know it’s kind of funny that you’re talking about space and you have ‘him’ in your class.”

(My teacher is confused for a moment and asks why it is so funny. The other teacher then explains that my grandpa really was an astronaut, came to her class two years ago, and left an autographed book. She goes to her class to get the book to show it to her, and my teacher is stunned.)

Teacher: “That’s amazing! Why didn’t you tell me that?”

Me: “I did! Remember when I told you and you wrote it on the big piece of paper?”

(I can still remember the look of shock and surprise as my teacher came to the realization that I was telling the truth.)