(I’m heading north to spend the weekend with my parents. My boyfriend lives in a town near an Armed Forces base, whereas I live outside of Toronto. Our conversation shifts to zombies.)

Me: “So what happens when the zombie apocalypse occurs? Are you going to save me?”

Boyfriend: “Might be a little difficult given our proximity to each other.”

Me: “Meh. I think you’ll have more of the issue than I will, being near the base. With my luck, I’ll be up north when it strikes so I won’t have to deal with crazy Torontonians trying to head out.”

Boyfriend: “Yes, but what will you do when you’re up there?”

Me: “Pfft. They have an artesian well nearby. Fresh water source!”

Boyfriend: “So, you’ll have the water source, but what about the food? It’s not like you know how to hunt or anything.”

Me: “Um, hello! Pond nearby, and there are farms. Problem solved.”

Boyfriend: “Why not just come to me? I’ll look after us.”

Me: “Riiight, like travelling on the 401 won’t be an issue at all with all of the zombified cars scattered about.”

Boyfriend: “Who said anything about driving? Head down to Lake Ontario and boat across.”

Me: “I don’t own a boat.”

Boyfriend: “You are in a time of war. Anarchy abounds. You would steal the boat.”

Me: “So, I’d somehow manage to get to the lake, then steal a boat. What kind of boat?”

Boyfriend: “Does it matter? Get a boat. Then come to me. I will look after us.”

Me: “I dunno. With you being near the base, I don’t think stealing a boat and getting across is going to be so easy. Besides, won’t the zombies be all around the base?”

Boyfriend: “No, but it’ll be a target because of its weapon cache. Still, it may be the safest place for us.”

Me: “So, I’m to somehow steal a boat, and casually get it across the lake, avoiding the base and all of the personnel with the hovercrafts, airplanes and whatnot? Right. No problem. I’ll be right on that.”

Boyfriend: “It is the only logical answer.”

Me: “We are so pooched should there be a zombie apocalypse.”

(We have just finished grocery shopping, and our 14-year-old daughter is whining about being hungry.)

Daughter: “Ow!”

Dad: “What happened?”

Daughter: “I bit my tongue!”

Dad: “Why would you do that?”

Daughter: “I’m hungry!”

(My family is on a long car ride, and my brother is poking at my sister and generally being irritating.)

Sister: “Mum! He’s being annoying! Make him stop!”

Mom: “Listen, [brother’s name], if you’re being annoying and you know it—”

Dad: “Clap your hands!”

(All three of us kids laugh hysterically, as mum gives dad a really evil glare.)

(I have just gotten a new job that requires overtime for the first month. This means me waking up at 5 am to get ready and drive an hour to work. This morning, my husband decides to treat me to a local donut shop, but drives his car so I can leave straight for work after doughnuts. Unfortunately, we leave a little late, so I have to take my breakfast and run. As I’m driving, I notice my husband’s car driving next to me, which is odd because home is the other direction. I call him on my hands-free phone.)

Me: “Hey, [husband’s name].”

Husband: “Hello, beautiful. What’s up?”

Me: “Did you drive next to me just so we could have breakfast together?”

Husband: “…I totally wish I had thought of that. I was going to visit the nature park down the street and… I guess we happened to end up driving together.”

Me: *disappointed* “Okay… well, I love you anyway.”

(He says he loves me too and hangs up. I have a rough day at work. However, when I get home, he’s back to his usual romantic self. He has made a big candle-light dinner, and my favorite movie!)

(I am learning to drive, with my mum teaching me.)

Mum: “Slow.”

(I’m going the speed limit, so I am not sure why she wants me to go slower, but I do anyway.)

Mum: “SLOW.”

(I slow some more.)

Mum: “SLOW!”

(I go even slower.)

Mum: “Slow, slow, slow!”

Me: “Mum, I am going so slow that I have actually stopped. How much slower can I possibly go?”

Mum: “Oh, sorry. I meant left. You need to turn left at that street next to us. Left.”

Me: *facepalm*