(I’m in a cafe where I tend to banter with the cashiers there, so they at least know me. I’m at the counter ordering my food. She is high-school or college-aged, possibly a student at the local big-shot university.)

Me: “And I’d like a… Boy, are you giggly today!”

Cashier: *giggles*

Me: “I don’t know why you’re so giggly, but look at that smile! Hey, look at how giggly she is!”

Cashier: *giggles some more*

(At this point I’m actually kind of mystified as to what’s so funny, but she takes my order and hands me a number, and I walk away. I walk over to a bench to sit down while they make my order. I look down at my number card, and suddenly all becomes clear. It is the number 69.)

Me: *holding the card up* “I figured it out!”

Cashier: *studiously avoiding looking at me*

(One of her coworkers came around to give me the food and he started snickering, too. It’s been over a week now and she still won’t look at me, which I find utterly hilarious.)

(A woman comes into my bakery and wanders around. I ask her if she would like any help, but she politely refuses. I turn to take something out of the oven when I hear rustling. I turn my head briefly and catch her opening a seal pack of assorted muffins. She sticks her fingers in each one before putting them back and moving onto another.)

Me: “Excuse me. Could you please not do that? I do have to sell those.”

Customer: “How else will I know if I like them?”

Me: “You could ask for a sample.”

(She rolls her eyes as though it is a ridiculous suggestion and continues with her “tasting.” I run around the counter and grab them, along with those she put back.)

Me: “That will be [amount], please.”

Customer: “But, I don’t want them. I don’t like them.”

Me: “That doesn’t matter. How am I meant to sell these after your fingers and spit have been all over them?”

Customer: *offended* “Are you saying I look like I have a disease?!”

Me: “Would you buy a muffin knowing someone else has picked at it?”

Customer: “Well, no. That’s disgusting!”

Me: “Well there you are. [Amount], please.”

(She huffed and stormed out without paying.)

(My BFF and I run a small bakery. We are very sarcastic with each other and our employees.)

BFF: *texting* “Not coming in today.”

Me: “Really? You are only four hours late. I didn’t even miss you.”

BFF: “Slow?”

Me: “Turtle, slug, slime creeping. What is slower?”

BFF: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Watching Deadwood, cleaning office, surfing p*rn (not really).”

BFF: “Go home. The girls can handle the front.”

Me: “NO! Then I would have to watch TMNT, clean the kitchen, and surf Pinterest; work is way better!”

(It’s Wednesday and we just got paid Friday. A coworker and I are talking about what we did on our days off.)

Coworker: “I spent $118 in one day!”

Me: “Woah, on what?”

Coworker: “I took my daughters out to eat and then we did some shopping and then to the movies. I have about $40 left.”

Me: “That was money well spent! You spent some time with your daughters so it wasn’t a waste.”

Coworker: “Yeah, you’re right. Besides, it’s almost Friday.”

Me: “We don’t get paid this Friday. We already got paid last Friday.”

Coworker: “Yeah, we don’t, but my husband does!”

(My job mainly involves emptying sanitary bins in ladies toilets. I’m about to service a bakery when I see a couple get out of a car and go inside.)

Man: *with thick Spanish accent* “One loaf of [bread].”

Baker: “Okay, that will be a few minutes. There’s just some in the oven.”

Me: “Hi, just here to do the bins.”

Baker: “Okay, go through.”

(As I go through I hear the man speak again.)

Man: *in Spanish* “What a loser to do a job like that.”

(Once I’m done, I went back out to my van. The couple had gone but their car was still there. I went back inside and asked to borrow some red food colouring. They let me take a very small bottle and I went back to my van, grabbed a tampon that I use to stock machines with, dipped the end in the food colouring, and then left it on the window of his car. When I next went to the bakery they told me they got a giggle out of his reaction.)