(A tourist walks up to me at the front desk.)
Tourist: “Is that Half Dome outside?”
Me: “Half Dome is one of the many mountain features outside if you face east.”
Tourist: “Which one is it?”
Me: “It is the one that is exactly half of a granite dome… to the east.”
Tourist: “How much concrete was used to make it?”
Me: “… Seriously?”
Tourist: *stares blankly at me*
Me: “I couldn’t tell you, but they decided to ditch the building project once they ran out of re-bar.”
(It’s a fairly slow day. Only one table is occupied. The guests leave and within half a minute, someone else sits down at that table.)
Me: “Hi! I’ll just clean this table for you. What can I get you to drink?”
Customer: “Aren’t you going to apologize?”
Me: “For what?”
Customer: “For this dirty table!”
Me: “Uh… no?”
Customer: “Well, why the h*** not?!”
Me: “Because there are 30 empty tables where you could sit down, and you picked the only dirty one in the entire restaurant. The previous guests left only a minute ago. How could that possibly be my fault?”
Customer: *disgruntled* “One coffee…”
(I’m a fairly new cashier at a popular fast food restaurant. Our burgers have names, like ‘Mama Burger’ or ‘Teen Burger.’)
Customer: *obviously intoxicated* “I want a cheeseburger and I want it hot. I don’t want it sitting in the f******* warmer.”
(As there is no listing for cheeseburger, I automatically change it to a ‘mama burger’ with cheese.)
Me: “Of course, sir, that’ll be $7.50.”
(I continue on with my job, cleaning trays and wiping tables, as someone else bags food. After several minutes I notice the customer is still standing there without his food. There is a bag sitting on the counter, and as I check the receipt I notice it is his ‘mama burger’ with cheese.)
Me: “Sir, I believe this is your meal here. Your cheeseburger?”
Customer: “I ORDERED A GODD*** CHEESEBURGER OVER 10 MINUTES AGO! NOT A ‘MAMA BURGER’!”
(As he continues on, my manager steps in and I quietly go hide in the back room and watch and listen.)
Manager: “I’m sorry for the mix up, sir. This is a cheeseburger, but in this restaurant it’s called a—”
Customer: “I DON’T GIVE A D*** WHAT IT’S CALLED. I’VE WAITED OVER 10 MINUTES! THIS IS WHY YOU PEOPLE ONLY MAKE MINIMUM WAGE! ANY MONKEY COULD TAKE YOUR JOBS AND DO BETTER!”
Manager: *calmly* “I’m sorry, sir.”
Customer: *snatches food from counter* “I’M SO MAD, I COULD JUST—” *raises his fist to manager’s face* “I SHOULD BURN THIS BUILDING DOWN ON TOP OF ALL OF YOU WORTHLESS PIECES OF S***!”
Manager: “You should not be out drinking and driving. It puts everyone in danger.”
Customer: “I’VE NEVER HAD A SIP OF ALCOHOL IN MY LIFE! NO DRUGS EITHER!”
*storms out with his food*
Next Customer In Line: “That’s a lie. He has had to be removed by police from [Other Fast Food Restaurant] four times. We’re instructed to phone police if he enters the premises.”
Me: *comes out of hiding*
Coworker: “You saw that coming, huh? I was wondering why you were hiding.”
Me: “This job… It gets better, right?”
Coworker: “No.”
(I approach a table occupied by a young couple.)
Me: “Hello. I’m [My Name] and I’ll be your waitress. Can I get you something to drink?”
Young Man: “Hello. Um, yes. I’ll have a [Soda Pop] and we’re ready to order, if that’s okay?”
Me: “Certainly, what can I get for you?”
(The young man, polite and well-spoken, places his order and I turned to the vacant eyed young lady with him. All empty smiles and mindless giggles, she inquires…)
Young Lady: “Hee, hee, hee. What’s a kwee-sa-dil-la?”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
(She points to the quesadilla plate and I calmly explain the concept to her.)
Young Lady: “Hee hee! Oh, I don’t think I’d like that? What’s chicken ‘friend’ rice?”
(The young man takes on a look of pained embarrassment and I try to spare him by keeping my expression neutral.)
Me: “Its rice that’s been stir fried and had vegetables, egg, and chicken added to it.”
Young Lady: “Tee hee. Oh, so, it has shrimp in it?”
(Young man face palms.)
Me: “We have a shrimp fried rice plate that has shrimp in it.”
Young Lady: “No, no, no. I want that chicken ‘friend’ rice stuff.”
Me: “All right. So chicken fried rice and—”
Young Lady: “And that’s got shrimp, right?”
(Young man drops head to table and tries to disappear.)
Me: “Um, no, it has chicken but I can have them make shrimp fried rice instead.”
Young Lady: “No, no. I want chicken ‘friend’ rice with shrimp, not chicken.”
(I work for a section of a resort that plans activities, sells discount cards for certain activities, etc. Our lost and found section is behind our desks, in the break room.)
Customer: “Have you had a brown purse turned in to your lost and found?”
Me: “Give me just one second and I’ll go back and see about that for you!”
Customer: “Can you make it quick? I really don’t have the time.”
(I go back and look for the purse in our lost and found. It is not there.)
Me: “Ma’am, I see no purses back there resembling the one you’ve described. You can fill out a lost item report and someone will call you if the item shows up.”
Customer: “I do not want to fill out a report! This is ridiculous! Let me see if it’s back there!”
(Customer charges back behind the desks, heading straight for me, full-steam ahead.)
Me: “Ma’am, you’re not allowed back there!”
(A manager sees what’s going on and comes over.)
Manager: “Ma’am, I can assure you. If my employee didn’t see your purse back there, it isn’t back there.”
Customer: “This is bulls***! Let me go back there!”
(Customer charges again, only to be held back by my manager.)
Manager: “Ma’am, could you give us a better description of the purse?”
Customer: “Oh, my god! It’s brown, and has one strap. It’s Coach. It has an iPhone, a Coach wallet, and a makeup bag inside it!”
Manager: “Does it resemble the purse hanging off your shoulder?”
(Customer looks at her shoulder and her mouth drops open.)
Customer: “You planted it on me while I wasn’t looking! You were going to steal it if I hadn’t come back here!”
