(My husband is trying to play video games with my two year old. My two year old keeps saying, “I want that one”, but is not being clear.)
 
Husband: “You need be more clear when telling dada what you want, or you’re going to drive dada bonkers!”
 
Son: “I drive you bonkers! I’m trying to drive you bonkers!”

(My dad and I are discussing our neighbours and get on to the subject of how well we know the layout of the house.)

Me: “Well, yeah, I should know too because I’ve been here as long as you have. We moved in when I was two.”

Dad: “Well, that’s what we told you. Actually, when we moved in you were hanging from the ceiling in a cocoon.”

Me: “A cocoon? Why don’t I have wings, then?”

Dad: “Well, your mum wanted to keep you. The condition was that she could keep you only if we had them docked.”

(My parents divorced when I was 2. Note that I was also very small and delicate as a child. This takes place when I am at a posh afternoon tea venue with my mum.)

Posh older ladies at a nearby table: *assuming I am shy* “Hello! Aren’t you a lucky girl coming here for afternoon tea? Did your daddy bring you as a special treat?”

Me: “Oh, no. I came with my mummy. My daddy was nasty to my mummy, so we got rid of him!”

(The older ladies were utterly shocked. My mum was dying of silent laughter.)

(My technophobic mother has just received her first phone with text capability. I receive the first text from her.)
 
Mom: “honeyijustgotanewphonetellmehowtoputinspacesokloveyoubye”

(I am looking at old photos of my parents, from when they were about sixteen.)
 
Me: “Man, dad. You didn’t tell me you were John Lennon when you were young.”
 
Mom: “People used to call us John and Yoko, you know.”
 
Dad: “That was because no one liked you.”