Wicked Witch Of The South Pacific
(My mother and I are shopping because she needs a new broom. We are at the checkout.)
Clerk: “Would you like me to wrap this up for you?”
Mother: “No thanks, I’ll ride it home.”
(My mother and I are shopping because she needs a new broom. We are at the checkout.)
Clerk: “Would you like me to wrap this up for you?”
Mother: “No thanks, I’ll ride it home.”
(My phone rings, and it’s a number I don’t recognize.)
Me: “Hello?”
Caller: “Hi, this is Mary Jane’s mom. Could you please tell her that I’ll be outside in just a moment?”
(My husband and I do not have any children, and nobody is visiting us.)
Me: “Umm, I think you have the wrong number.”
Caller: “Really?”
Me: “Yes, sorry.”
Caller: “Really?” *starts laughing*
Me: *with slight recognition* “[Sister’s name]?!”
Caller: “Oh, my gosh! How could you not tell it was me?”
(It was the first time I’ve ever been prank called, and I fell for it. The funniest thing about it is that my sister is ten.)
(I do most of the tidying in our house. I have O.C.D. and Asperger’s, so my tidying sometimes causes arguments.)
Mum: “I had a load of medicines on the kitchen work surfaces. Where have you put them?”
Me: “The medicine cabinet… where else would I put them?”
Mum: “And what about all of my clothes that were on the dining chair?”
Me: “They’re in your wardrobe.”
Mum: “The towels?”
Me: “Airing cupboard and bathroom.”
Mum: “The food that was on the kitchen surfaces?”
Me: “In the food cupboard, and that’s now arranged so that all the tins, breakfast items, pasta and whatever are all together.”
Mum: *opens cupboard* “I can’t find anything now!”
Me: “You mean you could before? Everything was all over the place, and loads of stuff was out of date. Not to mention the number of duplicate items I found towards the back of the cupboard. Now, everything is organised into categories so it’s easier to find.”
Mum: “Fine, so where is all of my post?”
Me: “In the cabinet you specifically bought to keep your post in the other week.”
Mum: “I wish you’d stop hiding stuff from me. Where is my book that was on the dining table?”
Me: *sighs* “I’m not hiding from you; I’m just tidying things and putting them away where they belong!”
Mum: “So, where’s my book then?”
Me: “You know what, mum? You figure it out!”
(I’d put it on the bookcase.)
(My wife and I are big gamers. She is pregnant and has a lot of time to play games, particularly ‘Gears of War’. The nurse at the birthing class is discussing how when a baby hears something familiar from when they’re fussy they usually calm down.)
Nurse: “So, when I was pregnant, I listened to a particular playlist when working out. Whenever my baby heard a song on my workout list, she would fall right asleep.”
Me: “So, does that mean that the sound of gunfire will make our baby fall asleep?”
(We are helping my great grandma out with her cell phone, since she knows little about how to use one. As a joke, my dad changes my grandfathers contact name, which is her son in law, to ‘Pimp Daddy’.)
Dad: “Hey, Jim *grandfather*! Call Beatty *great grandma*.”
(He does, and ‘Pimp Daddy’ shows up on screen. My Great Grandma bursts into laughter, then answers the phone.)
Great Grandma: “I’m sorry! I can’t give you the money, the guy stiffed me!”