(My phone rings, and it’s a number I don’t recognize.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hi, this is Mary Jane’s mom. Could you please tell her that I’ll be outside in just a moment?”

(My husband and I do not have any children, and nobody is visiting us.)

Me: “Umm, I think you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Really?”

Me: “Yes, sorry.”

Caller: “Really?” *starts laughing*

Me: *with slight recognition* “[Sister’s name]?!”

Caller: “Oh, my gosh! How could you not tell it was me?”

(It was the first time I’ve ever been prank called, and I fell for it. The funniest thing about it is that my sister is ten.)

(I do most of the tidying in our house. I have O.C.D. and Asperger’s, so my tidying sometimes causes arguments.)

Mum: “I had a load of medicines on the kitchen work surfaces. Where have you put them?”

Me: “The medicine cabinet… where else would I put them?”

Mum: “And what about all of my clothes that were on the dining chair?”

Me: “They’re in your wardrobe.”

Mum: “The towels?”

Me: “Airing cupboard and bathroom.”

Mum: “The food that was on the kitchen surfaces?”

Me: “In the food cupboard, and that’s now arranged so that all the tins, breakfast items, pasta and whatever are all together.”

Mum: *opens cupboard* “I can’t find anything now!”

Me: “You mean you could before? Everything was all over the place, and loads of stuff was out of date. Not to mention the number of duplicate items I found towards the back of the cupboard. Now, everything is organised into categories so it’s easier to find.”

Mum: “Fine, so where is all of my post?”

Me: “In the cabinet you specifically bought to keep your post in the other week.”

Mum: “I wish you’d stop hiding stuff from me. Where is my book that was on the dining table?”

Me: *sighs* “I’m not hiding from you; I’m just tidying things and putting them away where they belong!”

Mum: “So, where’s my book then?”

Me: “You know what, mum? You figure it out!”

(I’d put it on the bookcase.)

(My mother and I are shopping because she needs a new broom. We are at the checkout.)

Clerk: “Would you like me to wrap this up for you?”

Mother: “No thanks, I’ll ride it home.”

(My 2-year-old daughter is talking to her father.)

Daughter: “Daddy, can you play with me?”

Dad: “Sorry, daddy is working. Why don’t you ask your mother?”

Daughter: *to me* “Mommy, can daddy play with me?”

(My wife and I are big gamers. She is pregnant and has a lot of time to play games, particularly ‘Gears of War’. The nurse at the birthing class is discussing how when a baby hears something familiar from when they’re fussy they usually calm down.)

Nurse: “So, when I was pregnant, I listened to a particular playlist when working out. Whenever my baby heard a song on my workout list, she would fall right asleep.”

Me: “So, does that mean that the sound of gunfire will make our baby fall asleep?”