(My fiancé is talking to his mother. She is telling him her friend is moving to Alaska. Her friend and her have an argument about how he is getting there and she tells my fiancé about it later.)

Fiancé: “What was the argument about?”

Mom: “He said he was driving to Alaska, but I don’t get how he’d do that. It’s an island.”

Fiancé: “But, it’s not an island.”

Mom: “Yes it is, I’ve seen the maps. I’m not an idiot. On all the maps it’s in that box down by Hawaii.”

(I release a wall-shaking belch at the dinner table.)

Mother: “Just like his father.”

Father: “Yeah, and when I find that S.O.B…”

(Just to note, there has been no infidelity between my parents.)

(My family and I are at a mall doing some Christmas shopping.)

Dad: “Well, guys, can you think of anything you want for Christmas?”

Mom: “Hey, an Apple Store! I know what I want!”

(She runs in. Knowing that she knows nothing about technology, I run in after her. One of the Apple store attendants is already on her.)

Attendant: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Mom: “Yes, I’d like a Nintendo Wii, please?”

(The attendant gives her a blank stare. I stop dead.)

Attendant: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t sell those here.”

Mom: “No, I understand, it’s the holidays, right?” *she leans in close* “I know you have some in the back. I’ll slip you an extra fifty if you sell me the one you’ve been saving for yourself.”

(She gives him a wink, and he looks to me for help. I proceed to drag her out of the store.)

Mom: “What? I know he has some in the back!”

Me: “Just because it’s white and shiny doesn’t mean it was made by Apple!”

(I’m working at a grocery store when a mother and her six-year-old daughter come through my line.)

Daughter: “Mom, I think I want to be an actress.”

Mother: “You have to have a lot of talent for that, sweetie.”

Daughter: “No, I could just be on the Disney channel.”

(My mom is Filipina, and quite proud of it.)

Mom: “You know, when the Americans first came to the Philippines, they thought we were monkeys with tails, because we’re brown island people.”

Me: “Mom, the Spanish said that.”

Mom: “Oh, they all look the same!”