(My youngest niece is a nearly perfect clone of my sister. Given how annoying my sister was as a child, this makes a recent phone call quite interesting. While we are talking, I can hear my youngest niece raising a ruckus in the background. My sister starts admonishing my niece.)

Sister: “QUIET! I’M TRYING TO TALK TO YOUR AUNT!”

(She sighs, and returns to our conversation.)

Sister: “Honestly! That child drives me CRAZY. She is JUST. LIKE. ME!”

(I’m terrified of cockroaches. Unfortunately, they’re fairly common in my area, and will sometimes wind up inside the house. One night, paranoid after dealing with a roach in the bathroom, I find a second roach in the bedroom. I smash it with my sandal, but I can’t bring myself to get close enough to dispose of it. I leave my sandal on top of the dead roach, and eventually get to sleep at about 4am. The next day I post online about my dead cockroach dilemma.)

Me: “There is a dead roach under one of my sandals in the bedroom. I need my sandals. I do not know what to do about the dead roach; I don’t want to get close to it. Anybody wanna come over and dispose of a dead roach for me?”

Mom: “Cover him with a blob of wet paper towels. Put a zip-loc bag over your hand. With the bag on your hand, scoop up the blob of wet paper towels. Turn the bag inside out. Ta-daa!”

(I am about to thank my mom for the advice, when she continues.)

Mom: “Then toss the bag of wet paper towels out in the street as far as you can throw it, just in case the Reincarnation Fairy comes to your trash barrel and brings him back to life.”

Me: “OH, MY GOD! MOM! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!”

(My sister and I are heading home. We swing through a drive-thru fast food place so she can grab some dinner. She has her fries on the bench seat between us, and is driving with one hand.)

Sister: “Hey, can you fish out one of the ketchups from the glove box?”

Me: “Sure!”

Sister: “Okay, your job is to ketchup me!”

(For the rest of the ride, she holds up a fry, and I apply ketchup.)

(My brother, two cousins and I have just returned from a shopping excursion.)

Me: “So, Mom, I’ve got bad news and good news. Bad news is, [Cousin] bought the wrong coffee instead of the one that fits your coffee maker.”

Mother: “Why weren’t you paying attention? It’s always the same with you!”

(I stay dutifully quiet.)

Mother: “Well, and the good news?”

(I leave and come back with a huge box.)

Me: “The good news is [Brother] and I took care of that.”

(We show her, her brand new coffee maker.)

Me: “Happy Mother’s Day!”

(My husband and I decide to order pizza from a place which going out of business. I walk in with my infant son in his carseat. Although there are four girls at the counter, not one pays attention to me for a good ten minutes. Finally, I speak up.)

Me: “Excuse me.”

Girl #1: “Ugh, what?! Can’t you see I’m talking?”

Me: “Uh, I’m here to pick up a pizza.”

Girl #2: “That’s, like, not our job.”

Me: “Well, can you get the person who’s job it is?”

Girl #2: “Fine! Gawd!”

(She storms off to the back, while her friends roll their eyes at me. My son starts to get fussy, so I reach down to play with him. I have a very large tattoo across my shoulders, memorializing my parents who died in a car crash.)

Girl #1: “Do you see that piece of s*** on her back?!”

Girl #3: “Oh my god.”

Girl #4: “Ha! No wonder she’s so rude. She’s a f***ing goth!”

Me: “Who the f*** do you think you are, little girl.”

Girl #4: “You can’t talk to me, li—”

Me: “The h*** I can’t! You and your friends have been nothing but rude since I got here! And I—”

(A large man appears. His name tag says manager.)

Manager: “Ma’am you can’t talk to my employees like that.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Manager: “These girls are the best employees I’ve ever had.”

Me: “If they are, no wonder this place is closing. I will be taking my business elsewhere.”

Manager: “YOU NEED TO PAY FOR THE FOOD!”

(I leave anyway. The store closed not long after that, and guess which four girls decided to apply at my restaurant? I may have been rude, but those girls should never work in food service!)