(I am in training to be a court interpreter. During this exercise, we had to list as many legal terms in English as we could think of. Then we compare notes.)

Instructor: “What are possible penalties for a crime?”

Me: “Incarceration!”

Student #1: “Fines!”

Student #2: “Work diversion!”

Student #3: “Prostitution!”

All: “WHAT?!”

Instructor: “Not in the US.”

Student #3: “I mean probation!”

(I’m sleeping at my girlfriend’s house for the first time. She’s warned me that she’s a sleep talker/walker due to medication she takes for insomnia.)

Girlfriend: *slaps my chest* “Wake up!”

Me: “What’s the matter?”

Girlfriend: “Our tea set!”

Me: “What tea set?”

Girlfriend: “The pretentious tea set.”

Me: “How can a tea set be pretentious?”

Girlfriend: “Will you stop asking stupid questions? The tea set is missing!”

(I’ve finally woken up enough to realize she’s sleep talking and I decide to talk her down rather than just ignore her.)

Me: “Well, you said it’s the pretentious one. It’s okay that it’s missing.”

Girlfriend: “It’s okay?”

Me: “Yes, we’ve still got that other tea set. Now go back to bed.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, right, the one made out of butterflies.”

(She had no recollection of this conversation but we’ve both agreed that I will choose the tea set when if time ever comes.)

(My fiancé and I are getting ready for bed. He knows how much I love all things bacon, Nathan Fillion, and Joss Whedon.)

Me: *looking at him* “I love you more than bacon.”

Fiancé: “Do you love me more than Nathan Fillion?”

Me: “Yes, I love you more than Nathan Fillion wrapped in bacon.”

Fiancé: “Do you love me more than Nathan Fillion wrapped in bacon served to you by Joss Whedon?”

Me: *very long pause* “Yes?”

Fiancé: *hysterical laughter*

(My wife and I go to a movie about a man who formed one of the hippie communes in LA in the 70s. Part of the film is about how he had embezzled funds from a business and killed two men, one with his bare hands, over women. We leave the theater.)

Me: “Wasn’t that wild about him killing those two guys?”

Wife:“What? What are you talking about?”

(I recount the scenes.)

Wife:“Oh, I fell asleep for about five minutes, maybe it was then.”

Me:“So you took a nap during the only five minutes of the film that would explain why his later life was such an important turn around for him. Good timing, hon.”

(My elder sister is very serious and hard-working while I’m a bit of a dreamer. She always tried to make me act more like her. Last year I didn’t work much at high school and I got very bad marks. However, I decided to get a grip on myself and to work A LOT. German is one of the subjects I like the least. I’m doing homework and my sister is entering my bedroom.)

Sister: “[My Name], what are you doing?”

Me: “German homework!”

Sister: “What?! That’s too great! I have to hear it again!”

(She leaves the room and enters again.)

Sister: “What are you doing?”

Me: “German homework!”

Sister: “I want to hear that again!”

(She leaves and enters again.)

Sister: “What are you doing?”

Me: *really annoyed* “English homework!”

Sister: “Why are you killing my joy?”