Monty Python And The Zombie Invasion
(I work at a hardware store. One evening right before closing, a man comes running in the front door out of breath.)
Me: “Welcome to [Hardware Store]. What can I help you with today?”
Customer: “I was sitting by the library over on main street and I saw some zombies.”
Me: “Zombies, sir?”
Customer: “Undead.”
Me: “Huh?”
Customer: “Shambling corpses!”
Me: “Ah, zombies!”
Customer: “So, I thought to myself, I need some defenses. And everyone knows that improvised weapons are the premiere form of anti-undead utilities.”
Me: “Come again?”
Customer: “I want to buy some tools!”
Me: “Certainly, sir. What would you like?”
Customer: “Well, how about a crowbar?”
Me: “I’m afraid we’re fresh out of crowbars, sir.”
Customer: “Oh, never mind. How about a tire iron?”
Me: “We never have those at the end of the week, sir. We get more on Monday.”
Customer: “No matter. Any baseball bats by chance?”
Me: “You should try the sports shop next door but they’re closed now.”
Customer: “Not my lucky day, is it? How about a hammer?”
Me: “Sorry, sir.”
Customer: “Ball peen hammer?”
Me: “The truck was late today.”
Customer: “Club hammer?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “Cross and straight pein hammer?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “Cross pein pin hammer?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “Sledge hammer?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “Soft mallet?”
Me: “Ah! We have soft mallets, sir.”
Customer: “You do? Excellent.”
Me: “Yes, sir. Ah, it is a bit soft…”
Customer: “Well, I’d expect it to be softer than a normal hammer.”
Me: “Well, very soft, sir.”
Customer: “No matter. Bring it out!”
Me: *fetches mallet* “Ah, it appears to be a bean bag, sir.”
Customer: “So it is.”
Me: “Yes, it appears to be.”
Customer: “Well, hacksaws?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “Circular saw?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: ”Do you have chainsaws?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “But they’re the most popular anti-zombie weapon around!”
Me: “Sorry, sir.”
Customer: “Have you in fact got any tools at all?”
Me: “Yes, sir.”
Customer: “Really?”
Me: “No. Not really, sir.”
Customer: “You haven’t.”
Me: “Not a single nail. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.”
Customer: “Well, in that case, I think I might have been bitten on my way over here. I’m afraid I’ll have to bite you.”
Me: “Very well, then.”
(Customer walks around the counter and bites me.)
Customer: “What a senseless contribution to the hoard.”
Question of the Week
Have you ever served a bad customer who got what they deserved?
