Professor: “Do NOT fall asleep in my class. You will regret it.”

(However, because the class was right after lunch and in a very warm classroom, sometimes people did drowse and one day a student fell asleep across his desk.)

Professor: “Ha. Opportunity strikes.”

(The professor borrows my hardcover Complete Works of Shakespeare, tiptoes over to the guy’s desk, holds it over his head, and lets it go. It hits the floor like the hammer of the gods.)

Sleeping Guy: *bolts upright, eyes wide in panic* “I’M AWAKE! I’M AWAKE!”

Professor: “Now you are, yes. Let’s keep it that way.”

(I later got to go to England for a two-and-a-half week theatre tour with this bad-a** prof, and loved every minute of it!)

This story is part of the Talk Like William Shakespeare Day roundup!

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(In history class we are looking at a painting called The Death of Marat. Our teacher is known for going off on rants randomly.)

Teacher: “What Renaissance techniques are demonstrated in this painting?”

Student #1: “Uh, light?”

Teacher: “Yes, there’s light, but TECHNIQUES?”

Student #1: “…shadows?”

Teacher: “No! Anyone else?”

Student #2: “Depth?”

Teacher: “IS THIS WHAT I’VE TAUGHT YOU THIS YEAR?! I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE!”

(My friends and I are at a singing rehearsal for our school’s music concert. There is going to be a live feed so our director always encourages us to smile or at least look engaged in the music. I tend to not smile, or look particularly engaged. I’m in the front row so I always get noticed, even out of about 400 girls. The teacher notices this.)

Teacher: *staring at me and miming* “Smile! It looks like you don’t want to be here!”

(I hear all my friends and classmates laughing behind me and I try to smile. Later in the song:)

Teacher: *comes and stands right in front of me* “Darling, are you all right? You don’t look well. Do you want to go the medical office? Or sit down?”

(I can hear my friends trying not to laugh behind me and I start to flush.)

Me: “Oh, no. I’m fine!”

Teacher: “Are you sure? You can sit down if you want to!”

Me: “Okay…”

(The teacher walks away.)

Classmate: “That’s how you always look.”

Me: “…thanks?”

(It is international week at my school, and several Chinese students are giving a slide show presentation about Chinese culture.)

Student: “And now we talk about the food!”

(The slide changes to a blank one with the heading ‘Food.’)

Student: *turns to look at the audience and smiles*

(The slide changes to a picture of a puppy.)

Audience: *screams*

Student: “It is a stereotype that Chinese people eat dog. That is not true. Most Chinese people would tell you, ‘that’s gross’. Chinese people would eat food like this…”

(He continued his presentation as if nothing was unusual.)

This story is part of the Lunar New Year roundup!

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(It’s the last lecture before our exams, so one of our instructors is doing a review of the entire unit.)

Instructor: “Welcome to the revision lecture. As per university policy this is purely a review, I won’t – cough – be giving you any exam hints – cough.”

(Later…)

Instructor: “There’s lot of business intelligence tools in Excel. Like the goal seeker. Like the goal seeker. The goal seeker. The goal seeker.” *looks at us sternly* “The goal seeker.”

(We’re all writing the hint down, with the exception of one student.)

Classmate: *to instructor* “So, hang on. The gold what?”

Instructor: *sighs* “Do I have permission to be violent in this class?”