I’ll Have The Massage She’s Having

(A friend has decided to start a small business providing healing massages at his wife’s beauty salon. He is relying on word-of-mouth recommendations. He has just given a massage to an acquaintance who has absolutely no filter. She waits until he is having a conversation with other friends.)

Acquaintance: “[Name], that massage you gave me was great; I was like—” *throws head back, moans, and pulls an orgasm face* “—afterwards. I’ll recommend you to everyone, they’ll all want to—” *moans again* “—as well.”

(My friend was clearly embarrassed. His wife just rolled her eyes and shook her head. He stuttered a thank you. She walked off, quite pleased with herself. A few other friends waited until they thought my friend was out of earshot and discussed how they would never let him touch them after that. She did more harm than good with her performance.)