Needs To Cruci(Fix) His Sentence

| Friendly | January 29, 2014

(I’m at home talking to my friend. We get on the subject of Easter/Good Friday/Passover.)

Me: “Yeah, Good Friday. That’s the day of his circumcision.”

Friend: *choked sound*

Me: “No, wait. That’s not the right word, is it?”

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Pregnant Pause And Reflect

, , , | Friendly | January 29, 2014

(My buddy had been thrown out by his heavily pregnant girlfriend over something minor. So, he’s staying at my place and ranting about it.)

Friend: “Then she started to cry over not being ready, and I kept trying to comfort her, but she just wouldn’t listen to me!”

Me: “Dude, she’s eight and a half months pregnant. She’s not gonna listen to anyone. But what happened next?”

Friend: “Then she starts sobbing about being a bad mother and not being mentally ready so I told her then she better get ready.”

Me: “You did what?”

(His eyes slowly widen with horror.)

Friend: “I said what?”

(He looks at me, completely terrified.)

Friend: “I am not a smart man.”

Me: “No you’re not, and you’re lucky she only threw you out.”

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True Friends Are Nothing To Fear

| Friendly | January 29, 2014

(My husband has had the same two best friends since he was ten years old, but they live far away, so we haven’t all gotten to know each other very well yet. Also, I have a terribly embarrassing but legitimately crippling fear of puppets. My husband and I are hanging out with his old friends. As a TV show ends, a well-known comedian who uses dummies in his act comes on screen. I immediately start to run out of the room into the backyard.)

Me: “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!”

(I reach the backyard and start to calm down, immediately mortified that I had a freak out in front of his friends, not to mention revealed my deepest yet most ridiculous fear. After a few minutes, my husband pokes his head out the back door.)

Husband: “Honey, come back in. The puppets are gone now.”

Me: “I can’t. Too embarrassed.”

Husband: “Honey, please come back inside.”

(I shuffle inside with my head hung low, only to get a hug and a pat on the back from my husband’s two friends.)

Friend #1: “Birds freak me the h*** out. I have nightmares about them.”

Friend #2: “I’m terrified of running water.”

Me: “You won’t tease me? Or tell anyone?”

Friend #1: “Kiddo, we love you. You’re practically family. You’re always safe here.”

Friend #2: “Man, f*** those puppets.”

(On the car ride home, I told my husband I’d marry him all over again for his friends alone!)

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Finally Had The Balls To Say It

| Friendly | January 28, 2014

(My roommate is pretty rigidly Republican, but tends to get snippy if anybody says anything bad about the candidates. My girlfriend doesn’t like to affiliate with either party, but holds very strong views on equality and the like. There’s a news report involving several influential, albeit older, Republican males on TV while the three of us are preparing dinner and they’re saying some pretty offensive things about women.)

Girlfriend: “Somebody ought to confiscate their testicles.”

Me: *trying not to laugh, and glancing at my roommate* “Hon, don’t say that.”

Roommate: “No, don’t shush her! I want to hear what the little lady has to say.”

Girlfriend: “If you want to hear what I have to say so you can try and argue with me about equality I really don’t want to hear it because as far as I’m concerned there is no valid argument against it. Absolutely zero valid arguments for inequality, unless a person is completely irrational and uneducated. Which you are not.”

Roommate: *grinning* “So… about this testicle confiscation.”

Girlfriend: “What?! It’s not like they’re using them!”

(We all started laughing and had a fairly civil conversation on the subject after that. It turned out that despite being super Republican, my roommate wasn’t a fan of his party’s ideas about women and he’d just been afraid to say so because of his family for years!)

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No Dressing Up Her Honesty

| Friendly | January 28, 2014

(My mother has a heavy accent. My best friend, who’s constantly worried about her weight, and I, are looking for prom dresses at our favorite store.)

Me: “I love that dress on you!”

Friend: “I don’t know. Do you think this dress makes me look fat?”

My Mother: “No! YOU make dress look fat! Dress make you look purple.”

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