(I am drinking with three male coworkers at a bar. I’m the only female. One of my coworkers is missing half of a finger on one hand, and the subject comes up. Prior conversation has been of a sexual nature.)
Me: “I always forget about that finger until you pull it out.
(My guy coworkers burst out laughing.)
Me: “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!”
(In our office, we get lunch brought in once a week. On this day, we’re discussing what we each ordered.)
Coworker #1: “Did you see they have a cheesy chicken bacon ranch wrap on the menu today?”
Coworker #2: “Yeah, it looks good, but didn’t someone say that it was like 600 calories?”
Coworker #3: “Worse. It’s almost 1100.”
Coworker #1: “Is that… a lot?”
Coworker #3: “Well, considering most people’s daily intake is between 1500-2000, yeah, that’s a lot.”
Coworker #1: “So you’re just eating your whole day’s worth in one sitting. That’s way more efficient!”
(One of my friend has offered to drive me home after work. We’re talking about her kids.)
Friend: “We had so much happen this year and the baby escaped most of it: flu, tummy bugs, chicken pox, scarlatina… and the lice!”
(I suddenly remember the lice and take my head off the car’s head-rest!)
(I and my best friend that I grew up with are roommates in the university dorms. The dorms we live in are notorious for having the fire alarms tripped several times in a semester. I’m on my way back from class when I see everyone standing around outside my dorm building and there’s a firetruck in the parking area. I find my roommate standing outside with the rest of the residents. She and I have a rather dark sense of humor.)
Me: “[Roommate], how many times do I have to tell you not to put the cat in the microwave?”
Roommate: “I know, I know… I’m sorry. I just thought it would be an easy way to dry him after his bath. He was cold.”
Me: “You didn’t think to use the iron instead?”
Roommate: “I couldn’t find it.”
Me: “Did you try blowing on him to dry him?”
Roommate: “Yes, but it was taking too long and making him cold. At least I remembered not to wrap him in tin foil before putting him in the microwave.”
Me: “That’s true… I guess I have to give credit where credit is due. Wait, did you take off his collar first?”
Roommate: “No, was that a bad thing?”
Me: “The tags on his collar are metal.”
Roommate: “Oh, so THAT’S what I did wrong.”
(At this point we finally stopped and turned to a couple of girls, who were staring at us in horror, to explain that we were joking. They actually thought we put a cat in the microwave.)
(My uncle gives us as a present two live chickens, which we keep in our garage. We joke that they lay Kinder Surprise eggs, which are not obtainable in the US, and the chickens quickly became an unheard-of curiosity in our upper-class neighborhood. One evening, a couple of neighbor kids are leaving after seeing the chickens, and pass by a bush in our front yard into which we have tossed a couple of basketballs for safekeeping.)
Neighbor: “Chickens that lay chocolate eggs and a bush that grows basketballs. What don’t they have in this place?”
