17 Customers Who Are So Dangerously Stupid They’re Going To Hurt Themselves

🤦🏼‍♀️ Some customers are so dumb that it’s a miracle they’re still alive…

1. We begin with this caller who isn’t aware they have a burning issue:

Caller: “I’d like the number for the local fire station.”

Me: “Searching for you now.”

Caller: “Can you hurry up? My kitchen’s on fire.”

Me: “Sir, hang up right now and then dial emergency services!”

Caller: “Hold on.” *he’s away for over a minute* “Right, I’ve got a pen and paper now. What was the number?”

 

2. Then there’s this laser tag customer who wasn’t the brightest:

Our laser tag equipment works on radio waves. The laser is only there to see the general area you’re aiming for. Two customers approach me.

Customer #1: “Will these blind you if you get shot in the eye?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It’s a very low powered beam. It is a bit disconcerting when you get tagged in the eye, but that’s just your eye adjusting suddenly to the bright light in the darkness.”

Customer #1: “Are you sure it won’t hurt your eyes?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. To do any damage at all, you would have to stare down the barrel and shoot yourself in the eye repeatedly.”

[Customer #2] immediately looked into the barrel and held down the trigger.

 

3. Or how about this restaurant diner who was allergic to common sense…

Customer: “I’d like a cinnamon crunch bagel with honey walnut cream cheese, and a cup of coffee.”

Customer’s Sister: “What?!”

Customer: “I can handle it.”

Customer’s Sister: to me “She’s allergic to walnuts.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I’m not too allergic.”

Me: “Uhm..”

Customer: “I’ll just break out into a rash. I won’t die or anything. You don’t have to worry about that.”

Me: “I’m not so sure I—”

Customer: “It’s just so good. I can’t help it!”

 

4. Also, this customer who likes playing with fire:

Customer: “I want to return this toaster. There’s a hole in the plug!”

Me: “Oh, that’s a safety feature with this brand. It’s so when you unplug it you’re not tugging on the cord itself.”

Customer: “Why does it matter? ”

Me: “Well, tugging on the cord can fray the wires and increase the risk of electric shock or electrical fire.”

Customer: “That’s stupid. I didn’t buy the toaster to protect me from fire. That’s what smoke detectors are for!”

 

5. Then, this car owner who didn’t get the point of brakes: 

Me: “We performed the courtesy inspection we discussed this morning and found your front brakes at minimum specification. We do recommend getting your pads and rotors replaced at [total].”

Customer: *in a whiney tone* “Do I have to?”

Me: “If you never need to stop your vehicle, I wouldn’t worry about it.”

 

6. The caller who turned their Xbox into an Ex-Box:

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah. Do Xboxes come with cup holders?”

Me: “Uh…”

Person In The Background: “IT’S ON FIRE!”

 

7. And then there’s this bulldozer driver who really shouldn’t be anywhere near a liquor store… 

Late at night, a customer comes to register with a tall bottle of whiskey.

Me: “Do you have your [Store Customer] card?”

Customer: “Yeah, I got it right here on my cell phone. You see, I gotta have my phone on me at all times in case the boss calls; I got the keys to heavy machinery.”

Me: “Oh yeah?”

Customer: “You know how much fun it is to drive a bulldozer when you’re sober? IMAGINE THAT WHILE YOU’RE DRUNK!”

 

8. Also, this customer who thought they had an airtight solution for carbon monoxide:

Customer: “Hi, I recently purchased a carbon-monoxide detector thingy from here, and I was just wondering what to do if it goes off?”

Me: “Well, you would have to call emergency services and leave your house immediately.”

Customer: “Okay.” *long pause* “Could you hang up, please? My phone broke and won’t let me end conversations but I have to call 911.”

Me: “Wait. Your alarm is going off? That’s dangerous! Get out of your house now!”

Customer: “Oh, I threw it in the garbage disposal. It’s okay.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Hey, like I said before, could you hang up?”

 

9. Or the college dorm resident who couldn’t distinguish between “hot” and “spicy”:

Resident: “Ow! I just burnt myself.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. How did you burn yourself?”

Resident: “I licked the flame part of a lighter.”

Me: “What?! Why?!”

Resident: “I wanted to see what it would taste like. I knew it would be hot, but I wanted to know what KIND of hot… Like, maybe it would be SPICY hot.”

Me: “…”

Resident: “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

 

10. Or this dumb auto insurance caller who just made it clear who was at fault:

Woman: “You guys need to take that at-fault accident off my record.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t do that. You’ll have to dispute that with the DMV.”

Woman: “Why can’t you take it off? You were the one put it on there.”

Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t put anything on your record. The DMV did. What happened in that accident?”

Woman: “I bumped into someone.”

Me: “So you rear-ended someone? What were you doing?”

Woman: “Drinking a beer.”

Me: “Drinking a beer? While driving? Ma’am, if you rear-ended someone and had an open container of alcohol in your car it would be two violations, possibly three.”

Woman: “See? There you go again, puttin’ stuff on my record.”

 

11. The sauna customer whose logic was full of hot air:

I’m the lifeguard on duty at an indoor pool when there’s a power outage. I must close the sauna for ventilation reasons. I enter, and a customer is sitting inside.

Customer: “Close the door! You’re letting the heat out!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir, it is not safe for you to remain in the sauna because there is no longer adequate ventilation.”

Customer: “It’s a f****** sauna! There’s not meant to be ventilation, so shut the d*** door!”

Me: “Without proper ventilation, the sauna will overheat and put you at risk for heatstroke.”

Customer: “That’s what lifeguards are for!”

 

12. Or this stupid customer who drank ear piercing cleaner:

Customer: “I just got off the phone with poison control! They told me to call you! Tell me, is your cleaning solution toxic?”

Me: “You mean the stuff we use to clean fresh ear piercings?”

Customer: “Yah, that stuff. I mean, I called poison control and they said they weren’t familiar with your product but to call you and find out what’s in it…”

Me: “Well, no, sir, I don’t believe it’s toxic. There isn’t really anything in here that–”

Customer: “–because I ingested a whole bunch of it!”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “I was out of mouthwash. I needed mouthwash.”

Me: “But it isn’t mouthwash… It’s used to clean piercings…”

Customer: “I know; do you think I’m stupid?! That’s why I’m worried!”

Me: “Sir, it isn’t toxic. And for the record, all the ingredients are on the bottle itself.”

Customer: “Why would I look at the bottle? I called poison control!”

Me: “Mhmm. It’s not going to kill you, sir. Just try not to drink any more of it, please.”

Customer: “Oh, good. I’ll call poison control back and tell them that your cleaning solution isn’t a threat to public safety.”

Me: “Please do.” *click*

 

13. And what about this caller with a months (!) long gas leak?

Caller: “Is my gas leak causing my high bill?”

Me: “How long have you been smelling gas?”

Caller: “About five months.”

Me: “Sir, that is a very dangerous amount of time to leave a gas leak unattended. Why did you not query this earlier?”

Caller: “It didn’t seem important.”

Me: “I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to call the emergency helpline straight away.”

Caller: “Can’t we talk about my bill first?”

 

14. Or this drunk guest who was thankfully prevented from driving by a smart employee:

A drunk guest comes down and wants their car but we refuse to give it to him because he is intoxicated. We call him a cab and ask if he needs his house key off his key ring.

Customer: “Oh, yeah. I might need that.”

Me: “Okay, which one is it?”

Customer: “It’s that black one right there.”

Me: “Sir, that’s your car key. Which one is your house key?”

Customer: “No, really. It’s that black one.”

Me: “No… that’s your car key.”

Customer: “You don’t understand; I made it universal. It opens everything in my house.”

Me: “Okay, I’m just going to give you everything but the car key. Have a nice night, sir.”

 

15. This customer who had ZERO idea how nicotine works: 

Customer #1: “Oh, my God, I love that nicotine gum! It makes my mouth feel all numb.”

Customer #2: “You know that stuff’s going to get you addicted to cigarettes, right?”

Customer #1: “Nah! That stuff gets you un-addicted to them and I don’t smoke. I’m fine!”

 

16. Or this DIY customer who made their non-stick pan non-functional:

Customer: “I’ve heard this Teflon coating can release toxic chemicals into your food.”

Me: “We now use a new, much safer variety of non-stick. It would really only present a problem if you were to deliberately damage the cooking surface, say, by going at it with a hammer and chisel.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I’ll take two sets then.”

Several days pass, and the customer comes back and dumps everything he’s bought on my counter.

Customer: “I tried using these and the food tastes really funny–like there are still chemicals being leaked into it.”

I take several of the pans out, and find they all have now have either a small ‘D’ or ‘M’ burned into their cooking surface.

Me: “What happened to these?”

Customer: “Nothing. My family is insistent that we only use one set of pans dairy and the other set for meat so I made sure to label which were which. You said that would only be dangerous if I used a hammer and chisel. So I took them to my jewelry store and did it with a laser engraver instead.”

 

17. And finally, this dangerously idiotic customer who thought it would be okay to smoke while pumping gas:

A man walks up to our gas station pumps smoking a cigarette. I am working alone, so I talk to him using the microphone.

Me: “Could you please move away from the pumps with your cigarettes immediately?”

Smoking Man: *shouts back to me* “Petroleum extinguishes cigarettes!”

Me: “You can’t smoke here. There are lots of explosive fumes!”

Smoking Man: “No, I am a fireman! We use petroleum to put out fires!”

Me: “I doubt that. I have now stopped all the pumps so no one else can get any gas until you leave the gas station.”

Smoking Man: “PETROL EXTINGUISHES CIGARETTES!”

Just then, a customer who has been pumping gas speaks up.

Customer: “I’ll f***ing extinguish you, you d***!” *chases Smoking Man out of the gas station*

 

Have you ever encountered someone who was dangerously dumb? Share your story or leave a comment below!