Ever met someone you liked, and wished you had the perfect line? If you want to have rizz, this list might just do the trick!

Historically, pickup lines are used to start a conversation with romantic intent. The oldest recorded line was from 3800 BC, and written on papyrus between two Egyptian gods: “How lovely are your buttocks. And how muscular your thighs.” Shakespeare faired better, with his classic line from Sonnet 18: “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”

Although saying these lines can feel silly, scientific research supports their usefulness. In the study, “Chat-up lines as male displays” (2005, Bale, Morrison, and Caryl), lines with jokes, empty compliments, and innuendos were received negatively, but those showing spontaneous wit, education, culture, or helpfulness were regarded positively.

So, ready to try your luck? The next time you’re out, please feel free to use this list. Fortune favors the bold… and cheesy!

Cheesy & Corny Pickup Lines

1. Do you like Harry Potter? Because I a-Dumbledore you.
2. Are you a banana? Because you are very appealing.
3. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
4. Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
5. If you were a Transformer, you’d be Optimus fine.
6. Are you French? Because Eiffel for you.
7. Excuse me, do you know how much a polar bear weighs? I don’t either, but it breaks the ice.
8. NASA called. They said you’re out of this world.
9. I went to my doctor and he told me I have a serious deficiency of Vitamin U!
10. Are you a dictionary? Because you add meaning to my life.
11. Do you like Star Wars? Because Yoda only one for me!
12. Do you know what my shirt is made of? Girlfriend / boyfriend material.

13. Your eyes are like an IKEA. I’m totally lost in them.
14. Didn’t we take a class together? I could’ve sworn we had chemistry.
15. Are you made of Copper and Tellurium? Cause you are CuTe.
16. Are you YouTube? Because I want You-tu-be mine.
17. Are you a magnet? Because I am so attracted to you.
18. Is this the Hogwarts Express? Because you and I are going somewhere magical.
19. I’m in the mood for pizza. A pizza you, that is!
20. You must be made of cheese. Because you’re looking Gouda tonight!
21. Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
22. Was your dad a boxer? Because you’re a knockout!
23. Are you Chinese food? Because you’ve got me wonton more.
24. Your phone has GPS, right? Because I’m getting lost in your eyes.
25. If you were ground coffee, you’d be espresso because you’re so fine.

Rizz Pickup Lines

26. I believe in following my dreams. Can I have your TikTok?
27. If I were a cat, I’d spend all nine of my lives with you.
28. How does it feel to be so gorgeous?
29. Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
30. Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
31. I seem to have lost my number — can I have yours?
32. I would say God bless you, but it looks like He already has.
33. Of all the beautiful curves on your body, your smile is my favorite.
34. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
35. Happiness doesn’t start with H. For me, it starts with U.
36. Let’s flip a coin. Heads, you’re mine. Tails, I’m yours.

37. I must be in a museum, because you truly are a work of art.
38. What is it like to be the most beautiful person in this room?
39. Is there an airport nearby or is it my heart taking off?
40. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
41. You’re so sweet you must be made out of sugar.
42. If you were words on a page, you’d be the fine print.
43. God was showing off when he made you.
44. Did you go to bed early last night? From the looks of it, you got your beauty sleep.
45. Do you have the time? Because I want to remember the exact minute I fell for you.
46. Your eyes are bluer than the ocean, and I don’t mind being lost at sea.
47. You must be tired. You’ve been running through my mind all day.
48. I’m writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
49. If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I’d have a galaxy.
50. If you’re here, then who is running heaven?

Cringy Pickup Lines

51. I think you’re suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
52. Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.
53. I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.
54. Your lips look lonely. They should meet mine.
55. You look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?
56. Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve only met you in my dreams.
57. I’m not a hoarder, but I really want to keep you forever.
58. On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?
59. My love for you is like the number Pi: irrational and never-ending.
60. My lips are like Skittles. Want to taste the rainbow?
61. I just want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
62. How am I supposed to plan our wedding without your number?

63. You know what you would look really beautiful in? My arms.
64. You must be a straight A report card. Because I want to take you home and show you to my mother.
65. Are you a cornfield? Because I’m stalking you.
66. I’d love to read your biography, especially the chapter you and I are about to write together.
67. Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
68. It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
69. Are you a time traveler? Because I see you in my future.
70. I hope you know CPR, because you’ve taken my breath away!
71. I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.
72. Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
73. Do you like science? Because I’ve got my ion you.
74. Let’s commit the perfect crime: I’ll steal your heart, and you steal mine.
75. I’m good at algebra; I can replace your X and you wouldn’t need to figure out Y.

Bad Pickup Lines

76. Are you Wi-Fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
77. If I said you had a good body would you hold it against me?
78. I’m so glad I have life insurance, because every time Iook at you, my heart stops.
79. Are you on the endangered species list? Because I think you’re one of a kind.
80. Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.
81. Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
82. Are you a baker? Because those buns look tasty!
83. Are we socks? Because I think we’d make a great pair.
84. Did you fall out of a vending machine? Because you’re a snack.
85. I’ll put you in better hands than Allstate.
86. I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?
87. You’re like the pickle in my cheeseburger. I want to take you out.

88. Are you a beaver? ‘Cause daaammm!
89. Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?
90. I was wondering if you had an extra heart, because you just stole mine.
91. Are you a loan? Because you’ve got my interest!
92. What’s a good-looking guy like myself doing without your phone number?
93. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk past again?
94. Do you like bad guys? Because I’m bad at everything.
95. Is your name Google? Because you’re what I’m searching for.
96. Are you a cake? Because I want a piece of that!
97. Excuse me, do you have a band-aid? Cause I hurt myself when I fell for you.
98. You must be a campfire. Because you’re hot and I want s’more.
99. Are you an object with mass? Cuz I feel an attractive force around you.
100. Excuse me, is your name Matcha? Because you look like a hot-tea.

Worst Pickup Lines

101. Are you my appendix? Because I feel like I should take you out.
102. Hey girl, are you a pirate? Because you put the curvy in scurvy.
103. Are you an orphanage? Because I want to give you kids.
104. Did I tell you there’s a big clothing sale in my bedroom? Everything is 100% off.
105. Are you an onion? Because I want to remove all of your layers.
106. If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.
107. Are you an orphanage? Because I wanna give you kids.
108. Do you work at Subway? Because you gave me a foot-long.

109. You’re my favorite YouTuber. I wanna smash your like button and subscribe.
110. Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
111. You remind me of my trash can, because I’ll be taking you out next Friday.
112. You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall is in love with me.
113. Do you know what’s on the menu? Me-N-U.
114. Do you know what the Little Mermaid and I have in common? We both want to be part of your world.
115. If being beautiful was a crime, you’d be guilty as charged.
116. If you were a steak, you would be a rare one.
117. My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can’t hold it in.

Stupid Pickup Lines

118. Are you a broom? Because you just swept me off my feet.
119. I’ve got 1 ply, I’ve got 2 ply, but all I really want is your re-ply.
120. I couldn’t help noticing that you look a lot like my next girlfriend / boyfriend.
121. Life without you would be like a broken pencil… pointless.
122. I was feeling a little off today until you came and turned me on.
123. Are you covered in bees? Because you look sweeter than honey.
124. You owe me a drink. Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
125. You’re so fine, you made me forget my pickup line.
126. Hey, I’m Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
127. Want a raisin? No? Well, how about a date?
128. Are you a barrier constructed to hold back water, forming a lake used to generate electricity or as a water supply? Because daaaam!
129. Hi, My name is Mr. Right. Someone mentioned you were looking for me?

130. I WANT YOU to pay close attention to the first three words of this sentence.
131. I value my breath, so it would be nice if you didn’t take it away every time I saw you.
132. You dropped something … my jaw.
133. Do you like math? Because I want to call-cu-later.
134. I know it’s cheesy, but I think you’re grate.
135. I’m not religious, but when I saw you, I knew you were the answer to my prayers.
136. Somebody call the cops, because it’s gotta be illegal to look that good!
137. If you were a phaser on Star Trek, you’d be set to stun!
138. Are you an artist? Because you are definitely drawing me in.
139. Do you have a Nintendo? Because Wii would look good together.
140. I’m learning about important dates in history. Wanna be one of them?

141. If you were a vegetable, you would be a cute-cumber.
142. Are you a 90 degree angle? Because you are looking right.
143. Is Summer over? Because I’m about to Fall for you.
144. Are you a coffee? Because I like you a latte.
145. Are you a Sharpie? Because you’re ultra fine.
146. Even if we were floating in zero gravity, I would still fall for you.
147. Are you a cup of coffee? Because you keep me awake all night.
148. Do you play soccer? Because you’re a keeper.
149. I would take you to the movies, but they don’t allow snacks.
150. You must be an airplane, because you’ve always been on my radar.
151. Are you the sun? Because you’re the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.

👉 Looking for more? Read over 100 perfect comeback stories!

If you’re a cat purr-son, you’ve likely heard your fair share of kitten humor! We’ve compiled a list of the most claw-ver cat puns, because we think our kitties are a-meow-zing.

Humanity’s love for puns and cats is as old as time. In fact, ancient Egyptians, who regarded cats as magical creatures, also loved puns. Many Egyptian hieroglyphics look different, but sound the same when pronounced. This made them ideal for magic spells. You could say that cats have a meow-gical connection to us!

So, why our obsession with cats and vo-cat-bulary? It’s the purr-fect way to say thanks to our felines for the paw-sitive impact they have on our daily lives. Here’s a hiss-terical list of over 200 cat puns and jokes, just fur you!

Funny Cat Puns

1. All fur one, and one fur all!
2. You’ve cat to be kitten me right meow!
3. I’m a cat purr-son, and purr-oud of it!
4. I’m feline fine!
5. Meow you’re talking!
6. The paw-sibilities are endless!
7. I’m just kitten around.
8. My cat sure is purr-suasive.
9. How do you like me meow?
10. Let me put my thinking cat on.
11. Stop stressing meow-t!

12. Stay pawsitive! Cat-itude is everything.
13. Can I have a meow-ment?
14. I can tell you have a secret! It’s kitten all over your face!
15. I beg your paw-don?!
16. Don’t be a copy-cat. Be the fur-st one!
17. Help meow-t!
18. I’ve had a claw-ful day.
19. You are a fur-midable opponent.
20. You’re freaking meow-t.

21. BFFs: Best fur-iends fur-ever!
22. Don’t be a sour-puss.
23. That’s a-meow-zing.
24. I’m feline sad.
25. Are you fur real?!
26. Wait a meow-nute, are you kitten me?
27. Meow-zel tov!
28. My cat hates to work. She always does the bare mew-nimum.
29. Cat-pe diem and live in the meow-ment!

Cat Jokes

30. What is a cat’s favorite day of the week?
    • Cat-urday!
31. How do cats greet each other?
    • Meow are you doing?
32. What are a cat’s favorite oceans?
    • The Cat-lantic and Purr-cific Oceans
33. What are a cat’s favorite seas?
    • The Cat-ribbean and Meow-diterranean Seas
34. Why did the cats ask for a guitar?
    • They wanted to make mew-sic.
35. Why did the cats get on stage?
    • To star in Cats: The Mew-sical
36. What is a cat’s favorite landmark?
    • The Egyptian purr-amids
37. What’s a cat’s favorite reality show?
    • Real Mouse-wives of Cat-lanta
38. Where do wilderness cats live?
    • Up in the meow-ntains.
39. What horror movie do cats love?
    • Purr-anormal Activity

40. What’s a cat’s favorite sports car?
    • A Furr-ari
41. Why are cats good at math?
    • They love fur-mulas and cat-culations!
42. If cats taught school, what would they be called?
    • Purr-fessors
43. What do lazy cats do?
    • The bare meow-nimum
44. Why don’t cats like online shopping?
    • They prefer meow-l order cat-alogues.
45. What word do millennial cats overuse?
    • Litter-ally
46. What do you call a funny cat?
    • Hiss-terical
47. Why did the cat get fined?
    • It was caught litter-ing
48. What’s the best medicine for cat allergies?
    • An anti-hiss-tamine

49. What’s every kitten’s favorite movie?
    • The Little Purr-maid
50. What’s the worst kind of cat?
    • A cat-astrophe
51. What’s a disaster caused by cats?
    • A cat-aclysm
52. What do you call a confused cat?
    • Purr-plexed
53. What do cats think of humans?
    • They’re in-fur-rior beings.
54. How do you know a cat is educated?
    • It uses excellent vo-cat-bulary!
55. What happens if you forget to buy cat food?
    • Beg for fur-giveness
56. What are a cat’s favorite video controls?
    • Paw-se and Fast Fur-ward
57. How did you apologize to your cat for cursing?
    • I have a foul meow-th. Paw-don my language!
58. What does a cat say after a good nap?
    • I feel as good as mew!

59. How does a cat wizard say hello?
    • Have a meow-gical day!
60. Why are cats natural bakers?
    • They can make a cake from scratch.
61. What did the cat say at the concert?
    • That’s mew-sic to my ears!
62. What did the impatient cat say?
    • Any minute meow…
63. What did the adventurous cat say?
    • It’s meow or never!
64. What do you call a cat who misbehaves?
    • Faux-paw
65. What did the angry cat say?
    • Oh, paw-lease!
66. What did the skeptical cat say?
    • Purr-haps…
67. What did the humorless cat say?
    • These puns are a-paw-ling.
68. What did the introverted cat say?
    • Un-fur-tunately, I’ll be unable to attend.
69. What does an optimistic cat say?
    • So fur, so good!

70. Why is your cat the boss?
    • Be-claws it said so!
71. What is a cat’s favorite color?
    • Purr-ple
72. What do you call a cat who loves to bowl?
    • An alley cat
73. What is a cat ballerina’s favorite move?
    • A purr-ouette
74. What do cats wear to smell good?
    • Purr-fume!
75. What’s a cat’s favorite TV show?
    • Claw and Order.
76. What do cats sing at the baseball game?
    • Take meow-t to the ball game!
77. If your cat was an artist, what would they paint?
    • Self paw-traits
78. What is a cat’s favorite Star Trek phrase?
    • Live long and paws-per!
79. What is a cat’s favorite Star Wars phrase?
    • I’ve got a bad feline about this…
80. What’s a cat’s favorite book?
    • The Great Cats-by

Cat Name Puns

81. A-mew-lia Earhart
82. Aretha Fur-anklin
83. Benjamin Fur-anklin
84. Cat Benatar
85. Cat-lie Jenner
86. Cat-niss Everdeen
87. Cat-pernicus
88. Cat-skade

89. Cat-vin Harris
90. Cat-zilla
91. Cindy Claw-ford
92. Cat-alie Portman
93. Cleo-cat-ra
94. Dolly Purr-ton
95. Erwin Schroding-purr
96. Fur-anz Lizst
97. Fur-ederic Chopin

98. Harry Paw-ter
99. Kim Kat-dashian
100. Kitty Purry
101. Leonardo Di-Cat-rio
102. Luke Skywalk-purr
103. Marsh-meow-llo
104. Meow-donna
105. Meow-ly Cyrus
106. Meow-rilyn Monroe
107. Meow-tin Garrix
108. Meow-ya Angelou

109. Meow-zart
110. Notorious C.A.T.
111. O-purr Winfrey
112. Paw McCartney
113. Paw-blo Pi-cat-sso
114. Purr-fessor Dumbledore
115. Purr-fessor Meow-gonagall
116. Purr-ter Robinson

117. Santa Claws
118. Sir Isaac Mew-ton
119. Ti-meow-thee Chalamet
120. Will Fur-ell
121. William Shakes-paw
122. Yo-Yo Meow

Cat Birthday Puns

123. You’re how old?! You’ve gato be kitten me.
124. Happy purr-thday!
125. Have a purr-fect birthday!
126. It’s time to paw-ty!
127. Happy birthday to one cool cat.
128. Another birthday?! Im-paw-ssible!
129. Turn up the mew-sic and let’s get this paw-ty started!
130. Wishing you a paw-some birthday!

Cat Food Puns

131. Avo-cat-o (avocado)
132. Baked purr-tato (baked potato)
133. Bis-cat-ti (biscotti)
134. Boba Mew-lk Tea (boba milk tea)
135. Cat-fe A-meow-ricano (cafe americano)
136. Cat-fe Meow-cchiato (caffe macchiato)
137. Cat-fe Meow-cha (caffe mocha)
138. Cat-lifornia Roll (california roll)

139. Cat-purr-cino (cappuccino)
140. Cat-su Curry (katsu curry)
141. Cat-sup (ketchup / catsup)
142. Cinna-meow-n Roll (cinnamon roll)
143. De-cat-ffeinated Coffee (decaffeinated coffee)
144. Fo-cat-cia (focaccia)
145. Frank-fur-ter (frankfurter)
146. Fur-tune Cookies (fortune cookies)

147. Ham-purr-ger (hamburger)
148. Marsh-meow-low (marshmallow)
149. Mice Crispies (rice crispies)
150. Meow-carons (macarons)
151. Meow-tini: shaked, not purred (martini: shaken, not stirred)
152. Nyan bread (naan bread)
153. Paw-pcorn (popcorn)

154. Paws-ta (pasta)
155. Pep-purr-mint Patties (peppermint patties)
156. Purr-ito (burrito)
157. Purr-secco (prosecco)
158. Strawberry Purr-fait (strawberry parfait)
159. Ta-meow-go (tamago)
160. Tem-purr-a (tempura)
161. Tira-meow-su (tiramisu)
162. To-meow-toes (tomatoes)
163. Water-meow-lon (watermelon)

Pun Cat Words

164. Cat (What’s with the bad cat-titude?)
165. Kitten (Are you kitten me?)
166. Meow (Meow-ch, that hurts!)
167. Mew (Very a-mew-sing.)
168. Fur (I totally fur-got!)
169. Purr (That’s just purr-fect.)
170. Paw (Press the paw-se button!)
171. Claw (The food was clawful!)
172. Feline (I hope you’re feline better!)

Romantic Valentine’s Day Cat Puns & Pickup Lines

173. I love you, meow and fur-ever!
174. You’re un-fur-gettable.
175. You’ve got me feline good!
176. Meow you doin’?
177. You look won-fur-ful tonight.
178. Have I told you how paw-some you are?
179. You’re purr-fect just the way you are.
180. We were meant to be; our relationship was kitten in the stars!
181. I only have eyes fur you.

182. I love your purr-sonality.
183. Will you meow-y me?
184. Whisker me away.
185. You are so purr-ty.
186. You’re paw-sitively glowing.
187. Do I know you? You look fur-miliar.
188. You’re the cat’s paw-jamas!
189. Let’s not fight, baby. I’d rather hiss and make up.
190. I’ve got felines for you.
191. You look meow-velous, darling!

Christmas & New Year Cat Puns

192. What is a cat’s favorite Christmas song?
     • All I Want For Christmas Is Mew
193. What did the cat say to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
     • You’ll go down in hiss-story.
194. What do cats say to each other on Christmas?
     • Meow-y Christmas!
195. What do cats wish each other around Christmas?
     • May your days be meow-y and bright!
196. What is a cat’s favorite Santa song?
     • Santa Claws Is Coming To Town

197. What do cats say every January 1st?
     • Happy Mew Year!
198. What is a cat’s favorite Christmas carol?
     • Deck The Paws With Bells & Holly, Fur La La La La, La Paw Paw Paw
199. What is a cat’s favorite Spanish Christmas song?
     • Fleas Navidad
200. Why do cats like Christmas?
     • Because they’re feline festive!
201. What do cats like the most about Christmas?
     • Getting Christmas purr-sents
202. What do cats say in December?
     • Happy Paw-lidays!

Read the story this comic is based on: The Land Of The Free To Be Who You Are

This is the heartwarming story of an elderly couple that loves taking walks with their dog. However, as age takes its toll, the husbands struggles to keep up. Read on for the couple’s hilariously “hip” solution!

Original Story: They Want Back To The Future

Ever been in an argument and wished you had the perfect comeback? If you want to playfully insult a friend, give a sassy comeback, or stop an unwanted advance, we’ve got your back with this comprehensive list of roasts!

New York’s legendary Friars Club held its first roast of Maurice Chevalier in 1949, where, as the guest of honor, he was subjected to hilarious and risqué jokes at his expense. Subsequent TV roasts on Kraft Music Hall (1968), The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast (1974), and Comedy Central Roast (1998) have kept this comedic tradition alive.

Although formal roasts are always done with the consent of the recipient, we believe you should always have a good, funny comeback up your sleeve to win any argument (friendly or otherwise). It never hurts to be prepared, so please feel free to save and make use of this list!

Good Roasts

1. I look at you and think… two billion years of evolution for this?
2. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you bad advice.
3. Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
4. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
5. You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo bottles.
6. If I had a face like yours, I would sue my parents.
7. I like the way you comb your hair. It’s impressive how you’re able to hide the horns.
8. You are proof God has a sense of humor.
9. You haven’t changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.
10. It’s really fun watching you try to understand everything that’s being said about you.
11. Mirrors can’t talk. Lucky for you, they can’t laugh, either.
12. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

13. Can I have the name of your hair salon? I need to know where not to go.
14. Congratulations on being the top of the bell curve.
15. You’re as sharp as a rubber ball.
16. I would describe your personality as a vibrant shade of beige.
17. If you ever had a thought, it would die of loneliness.
18. I bet you take more than 15 items through the express lane.
19. People like you are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore.
20. I believed in evolution until I met you.
21. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
22. When I look at you, I wish I could meet you again for the first time… and walk past.
23. You look like a ‘before’ picture.
24. There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
25. You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.

Good Comebacks

26. You hear that? It’s the sound of me not caring.
27. Where is your off button?
28. I’d give you a nasty look, but it seems like you’ve already got one.
29. Oh, sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
30. Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah, that is now.
31. You know, you’re just not pretty enough to have such an ugly personality.
32. Have a nice day… somewhere else.
33. You do realize I’m just tolerating you, right?
34. I’m listening. I just need a minute to process so much stupid information at once.
35. Your secrets are always safe with me. I don’t even listen when you share them.
36. I would call you an idiot, but it would be an insult to stupid people.
37. No, that’s fine. You’re certainly entitled to your incorrect opinion.
38. Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.
39. Tell me something… if I didn’t answer you the first time, what makes you think the next 25 attempts will work?
40. I am jealous of people who have never met you.
41. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only did that behind my back.
42. I’m so sorry if my brutal honesty inconvenienced your overinflated sense of self.
43. I’m not trying to make fun of you, but you can’t even count higher than number two.
44. Do you think this hurts my feelings? The only thing that hurts is my eyes when I’m looking at you.
45. Why don’t you go play in traffic?
46. I never forget a person’s face, but I’ll be happy to make an exception in your situation.
47. You have your entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?
48. I keep thinking you can’t get any dumber, and you keep proving me wrong.

49. Is part 2 of your argument coming out soon or is that it?
50. May your life be as pleasant as you are.
51. I just love that you don’t care what people think.
52. You continue to meet my expectations.
53. I admire the way you try so hard.
54. I’m not an astronomer, but I am pretty sure the world revolves around the sun and not you.
55. I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.
56. You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
57. I’m busy right now, can I ignore you another time?
58. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
59. I’m just glad that you’re stringing words into sentences now.
60. I’d say you’re ‘dumb as a rock,’ but at least a rock can hold a door open.
61. You should carry a plant around with you to replace the oxygen you waste.
62. Too bad you can’t Photoshop your personality.
63. Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
64. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
65. You’re living proof it’s possible to live without a brain.
66. Are you ever overwhelmed with the urge to tell someone to shut up? Because that’s how I feel right now.
67. If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.
68. The jerk store called, and they’re running out of you.
69. I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.
70. I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
71. There’s no point to making fun of you, because it’d take the rest of the day for you to figure it out.

Savage Roasts

72. You’re the reason gene pools need lifeguards.
73. We were going to roast you, but apparently, burning trash is an environmental hazard.
74. Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.
75. Everyone brings happiness to a room. I bring happiness when I walk in, and you bring happiness when you leave.
76. Most mistakes can be corrected. You are the exception to the rule.
77. You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.
78. It seems your face caught fire, and somebody attempted to stop it with a hammer.
79. Why do you spend all your time crying about your past? It’s your future, or lack thereof, you should be upset about.
80. You’re the type of person who can’t read the room. You don’t understand when you aren’t wanted.
81. You’re like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.
82. You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it suddenly becomes a beautiful day.
83. It’s impossible to underestimate you.
84. The real heroes in this world are the ones who have to live with you.
85. I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

86. It’s kind of sad what happened to your face… Oh wait, that’s how it has always looked?
87. If you were an inanimate object, you’d be a participation trophy.
88. I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.
89. You have the perfect face for radio.
90. You don’t need to fear success. Trust me; you have nothing to worry about.
91. Do you know the best part about being your friend? Not having to see you all the time.
92. I do not consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
93. You have such a beautiful face… But let’s put a bag over that personality.
94. There is someone out there for everyone. For you, it’s a therapist.
95. I can’t wait to spend my whole life without you.
96. Please just tell me you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
97. They say opposites attract. In that case, I hope you meet someone who is good looking, intelligent, and cultured.

Funny Roasts

98. You are the human version of cramps.
99. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
100. When you were born, the doctors probably threw you out of the window, but the window threw you back.
101. Let’s play horse. I’ll be the front, and you be yourself.
102. If I was on a desert island with you and a tin of corned beef, I’d eat you and talk to the corned beef.
103. Everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you’re really abusing the privilege.
104. Don’t worry… the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
105. I told my therapist about you. She didn’t believe me.
106. When I see you coming, I get pre-annoyed. I figure it’s smart to give myself a head start.
107. When I look at you, I think to myself where have you been my whole life? And can you go back there?
108. Roses are red, violets are blue, so many people are pretty, but what happened to you?
109. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world’s mouth.
110. Whatever doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
111. You’re not the dumbest person I’ve ever met, but you better hope he doesn’t die.
112. You deserve to be loved… from a distance.
113. Your grades say marry rich, but your mirror says study harder.
114. You look like you get beat up for a living.
115. I’m not saying you’re ugly, but maybe you should start walking backwards.
116. You’re my favorite person… besides every other person I’ve ever met.
117. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
118. People clap when they see you. They clap their hands over their eyes.
119. Somewhere, somehow, you are robbing a village of their idiot.
120. You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
121. Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go.

Funny Comebacks

122. I will not have a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed.
123. I look ugly? Good. I was trying to look like you today.
124. You’re not simply a drama queen. You’re the whole royal family.
125. OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!
126. I was going to make a joke about your life, but I see life beat me to the punch.
127. First off: Brush your teeth.
128. You’re like a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
129. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
130. I don’t have the patience or the crayons to explain this to you.
131. Rolling your eyes isn’t going to help you find your brain.
132. I didn’t mean to push your buttons. I was just looking for mute.
133. It’s all about balance… you start talking, I stop listening.
134. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
135. When I listen to you, I think you really are going to go far. I hope you stay there.
136. Light travels faster than sound. It explains why you seemed smart… until I finally heard you speak.
137. Sweetheart, the only thing bothering me is that thing between your ears.

138. You should use glue instead of chapstick.
139. It is hilarious how you are trying to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
140. You’re the reason God created amnesia.
141. Poof be gone, your breath is too strong, I don’t wanna be mean, but you need listerine, not a sip, not a swallow but the whole friggin’ bottle.
142. You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
143. You’re about as funny as a fart in a spacesuit.
144. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
145. I smell something burning. Are you trying to think again?
146. I bet your pH level is 14. Basic.
147. You have the charisma of a wet sock.
148. You look easy to draw.
149. You’ve got so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
150. You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
151. If you have a problem with me, write the problem on a piece of paper, fold it, and shove it up your butt.
152. I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
153. If you were the light at the end of the tunnel, I’d turn back around.
154. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
155. I’d insult you, but then I’ll have to explain it afterwards, so never mind.
156. Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
157. Brains aren’t everything. In your case, they’re nothing.
158. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Take your parents, for instance.
159. I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
160. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?
161. People like you are the reason I am on medication.

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