Unfiltered Story #115736

(I get a call from a device technician about a customer whose download speed is apparently too low.)

Me: “Good evening, here is the DSL line support in [city], you’re speaking with [My Name].”

Coworker: “Hey there, here is [Their Name] from device support in [another city]; I have… Oh, he hung up.”

Me: “I got a ticket transferred, too, is this [Customer’s Name] with the complaint about download speed?”

Coworker: “Yes… and you’re going to love this. He doesn’t only complain about having only two Mbit/s in download, he also claims that our line runs through Dublin and this is why it’s so slow…”

Me: *after a pause* “So we did what, installed the line from Frankfurt under the canal, Britain and the sea over to Dublin and back just to tamper with his download speed?”

Coworker: “That’s apparently what we did, according to him. Although, he did admit himself, that he built a VPN-tunnel through Dublin… to play an online game, he says.”

Me: *cracking up* “Yeah I’m sure this is exactly what he uses it for.”

Coworker: “Um, if he uses it for illegal downloads, why through Dublin? I mean, EU laws and all, we could still track his IP if we’re of a mind…”

Me: “This one isn’t too bright… Well, still, let me see how fast his line is.”

(I do a quick test that shows me 5.80 Mbit/s in download. The customer is paying for 6 Mbit/s.)

Me: “Sorry, nothing is wrong with his line. And I suppose nothing’s wrong with his device?”

Coworker: “As far as I can tell, it’s working properly; his support function is disabled and he won’t turn it back on, so I couldn’t login to check for myself.”

Me: “Then it’s all on him… how does his home network look like?”

Coworker: “This is the best of all: he has an All-IP line, and it’s telephone outlet, router, bridge, another bridge and another modem, which is then connected to his machine via LAN.”

(This basically means that in the middle of his network are two wireless adapters that connect his main router to another modem. It’s a universal truth in the internet world that wireless connection just can’t be as fast as LAN connection, and it only gets worse with every device one installs between the outlet and the machine.)

Me: “…and so he’s calling us. I’ll write all of this down and close the ticket. Nobody beat him to set up his home network like this; of course it will be slow with those bridges. This is the first thing you learn at [ISP], and also from any YouTube video about this stuff that you can find.”

Coworker: “I know. But he demanded that his line be checked by you guys.”

Me: “Nothing there. No luck for him. I’ll be saying goodnight now, and thanks for making my night.” *at this point I’m losing it because it’s all so absurd and start to laugh loudly*

Coworker: “You too.” *laughs as well*