You Are Literally Wrong

| Learning | February 3, 2015

(This is in my speech class. We are giving presentations about our hobbies.)

Me: “I enjoy camping and nature. However, I haven’t enjoyed Nancy Lake since I literally died there—”

Teacher: “Stop right there! Apparently kids can get into 10th grade these days without knowing the difference between ‘literally’ and ‘figuratively.'”

Me: “But…”

Teacher: “No, I said stop!”

(Goes to the white board and writes ‘remedial’ on the board, and then the definition of ‘literal’ and ‘figurative’. He turns and calls on several other students, asking for examples. When I try to protest, he makes a silencing noise.)

Teacher: “Okay, I hope you were listening. It’s your turn.”

Me: *annoyed by now* “When I fell into the water at Nancy Lake when I was six, I drowned and was legally dead for three minutes before being revived by CPR. So, I ‘literally’ died there. Mr. [Teacher] likes to jump to conclusions and humiliate students, making him ‘figuratively’ an a**-hole.”

(And then I got sent to the principal’s office.)

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