(I am about four years old. My family has taken me to a haunted house, and I am fascinated by the decorations.)
Me: “Hey, look at these cobwebs! These are just like the ones we have at home!”
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(My spouse, parents and I are visiting a popular studio tour for a certain movie series. It’s bank holiday weekend, so the crowds are pretty big. We’ve been queuing for a while, and as we’re led into the first room, we’re tired and restless, and surrounded by many people feeling just the same.)
Guide: *climbs onto a platform so everyone has a clear view of him* “Good afternoon, everyone! My name is [Guide] and I’m here to blow you this afternoon!”
(The guide freezed, realising what he’s just said. The kids were oblivious, but several adults, my family included, started giggling as the guide composed himself and continued as if nothing happened.)
(I’m a female member of an international living history group, and every year we have a camping event at a ruined castle in Wales. We’d been there for nine out of ten days, so a group of us decided to dress normally and go to the village pub for dinner and drinks. I didn’t know one lady very well, but she hung out at my friend’s camp so we found that we have the same weird sense of humour. On the way home from the pub we started singing bawdy songs.)
Friend: “Do you know [Song] by [Band]?”
Me: “Course I do! [Friend #2] and I sang it together at his first event!”
(We sing together all the way back to the castle. By this time, everyone had started packing, already gone to bed, or were at a green area getting rid of leftover food and drinks by a campfire.)
Me: “D*** it, why are you already married?”
Friend: “I am, but my persona isn’t.”
Friend #3: “You know, I’m a captain of the [Region] Navy…”
Me: “She’s right. Wanna be buried with our ones?”
Friend: “Yeah, all right.”
Friend #3 *to me* “Do you?”
Me: “H*** yes!”
Friend #3: *to Friend* “Do you?”
Friend: “D*** right..”
Friend #3: “By the power invested in me by the [Region] Navy, I now pronounce you Wife and Wife! Has anyone got a cake?”
(We found a cake and a butter knife and took awkward cake-cutting pictures. Our first dance was skipping around the green humming London Bridge, and for good luck we jumped over a lantern. Her husband took it pretty well when she told him; my fiancé wasn’t as impressed. When they met a few months later…)
Me: “[Fiancé], meet my wife, [Friend].”
Fiancé: *puts down what he was carrying, points at her* “HOMEWRECKER!”
(Thankfully, we all knew he was joking!)
(I am a chaperone on a preschool field trip. We have six chaperones including me. All the other seats on the bus are filled with our two-year-olds. About 40 people can fit on each bus. It is near the end of the day, and the driver is clearly exhausted. A woman approaches the driver, who is outside on the ground with her.)
Woman: “I’d like to get on this bus.”
Driver: “Sorry. You can’t get on this one.”
Woman: “Well, why not?”
Driver: “Because it’s full!”
(It’s important to realize that the bus is open-air, so there are no tinted windows. However, the walls are fairly high, and the bus is high up. The woman, from her vantage point on the ground, cannot see all the small children.)
Woman: “No, it’s not. You only have 6 people in there.”
Driver: “No. You see—”
(The woman starts complaining loudly about how lazy and incompetent the driver is. The driver tries to explain that the bus is full of small children, but the woman keeps cutting her off. Having had enough, I pick up the two-year-old beside me, and walk up to the bus entrance.)
Me: “There are over 30 of these in here!”
(The woman promptly shuts up and, red-faced, walks away.)
(I am an assistant manager in the box office of an exhibition space in Times Square. This exhibition space has many investors. One is a popular cable television network from which the space took its name. A relatively normal-looking customer approaches my window.)
Me: “Hello! How can I help you?”
(The customer pauses, looking nervous.)
Me: “Did you have any questions about the exhibit?”
Customer: “Um, yes.”
Me: “Okay… go ahead.”
Customer: “YES! I was wondering why you took away my [aforementioned cable network] channel. I can’t understand why you would do that. My children and I really enjoyed learning about the things that we saw. It was good!”
Me: “Ah, I see. Well, even though [cable network] is our namesake, we’re not at all affiliated with their programming. I’m sorry. I would recommend calling your cable provider to see if there were any changes in your service.”
Customer: “No, but yes, but NO. I can’t understand why you would do this! Because you see it’s my CHILDREN. It was something that we enjoyed TOGETHER.”
Me: “Yeah. I hear ya. Unfortunately, that’s not us. We’re a museum space.”
Customer: “Is this because of Oprah?”
Me: “So, I… what?”
Customer: “OPRAH. I know she was changing some things around.”
Me: “Uh…”
Customer: “I can’t believe you took this away from my children just because Oprah told you to.”
Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you that we have nothing whatsoever to do with Oprah.”
Customer: *turning to leave* “I just can’t believe Oprah would do this to her black brothers and sisters. They were LEARNING.”
Me: “Um, right. You have a great night.”
Customer: *turning and yelling from across the lobby* “So this wasn’t the place?”
Me: “This was not the place.”
