(My family is on holiday in Cornwall. It is raining but, being British, we decide not to let that bother us. My brother is two and riding on my dad’s shoulders with his umbrella conveniently keeping them both dry. I am seven and I walk alongside them with my own umbrella. We’ve been walking for a long time before my dad freezes and turns in a full circle, panicked.)

Dad: “[My Name], where’s your brother?”

Me: “He’s on your shoulders, Dad.”

(My dad has a moment of realization as my brother starts to laugh.)

Me: “How did you think you were keeping dry?”

(My husband and I have just bought our first house. I am so excited I go over to take pictures of the house with the ‘sold’ sign in front. One of our new neighbors approaches and introduces himself.)

Neighbor: “Hi. I’m your neighbor, [Neighbor]. Welcome to the neighborhood.”

Me: “Thanks! I’m [First Name] White, so you’ll be seeing our name on the mailbox soon.”

Neighbor: “Well, I’m glad you’re Whites and you’re white!”

(I was suddenly not too excited about moving in next door to a racist!)

(My friend was coming over to play video games and was walking over to my house. In the meantime I was driving back from the grocery store. On the drive back I notice her walking. I honk and pull up to the sidewalk next to her.)

Me: “GET IN THE CAR! THERE’S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!”

Friend: “S***! I TOLD YOU TO BURY THE BODIES DEEPER.” *gets in the car* STEP ON IT!”

(We then drove away like nothing happened.)

(My boyfriend and I are taking a walk. The streets are relatively empty, but we meet one guy walking back the way we just came.)

Boyfriend: “I pity him.”

Me: “Why?”

Boyfriend: “Because he’s about to walk into the burp I left over there.”

(It’s late and dark outside, so my boyfriend is walking me to the bus stop two blocks down from his house to make sure I get on safely. On the way, a group of teenagers walk by. One is apparently listening to a song, and I get an idea.)

Teen: “F*** that b****… F*** that b****…”

Me: “He already did!”

Boyfriend: *starts cracking up*

(It took probably three whole seconds before the group realized what I had just said. They were a few yards behind us when they started howling in shock. This made my boyfriend and I laugh even harder as we continued to walk. By the time we got to the bus stop, both our faces were red from laughing. I regret nothing.)