(The waterworks just caused a massive gas leak in the middle of the road. We are standing in the middle of a cloud of gas as the head mechanic is checking the situation. I and a coworker have to watch out that no one enters the area. We are having a conversation.)
Coworker: “I can’t believe they managed to—”
(His eyes go wide and he points at Worker, who is searching for something inside of his pocket. Before we can react, he pulls out a cigarette and a lighter.)
Me: “CIGARETTE!”
(Worker looks at me. Coworker and I tackle the guy.)
Head Mechanic: “Are you f****** nuts?! You could have killed us all!! What were you thinking?!”
Worker: “Uh, I just wanted to have a smoke?”
Stranger: “So, your accent- where’s that from?”
Me: “Oh well, it’s a mix of several: Canadian, Dutch, Irish…”
Stranger: “Oh. I like the Canadian accent. But not mixed with anything.”
Me: “Okay…”
(My friend is an only child. He doesn’t have much knowledge of female anatomy. We’re talking about my childhood home, which my parents are considering selling.)
Me: “I think it’s a shame that they have to sell it, because my placenta and my sister’s placenta are buried in the garden.”
Friend: “Your parents BURIED your PLACENTAS in the GARDEN?”
Me: “Yes. What else would you do with them?”
Friend: “I thought that after birth, the placenta slithered back up…”
(I burst into laughter. Once I’ve managed to calm down, I try to reassure him.)
Me: “Actually, what you said isn’t that bad. Another friend of mine used to believe that women only had two holes down there.”
Friend: “They don’t?!”
(My fiancé and I are out walking. Though he’s usually extremely cuddly and sweet, he’s never liked holding hands.)
Me: *jokingly* “You know what? If I could change one single thing about you, I’d make you want to hold hands with me every now and then. Admit you never do because you don’t want people to know you’re taken!”
Boyfriend: “No, honey, not at all! I just need both hands free to protect you if a ninja suddenly appears!”
(He’s always got an answer for everything!)
(I’m with my friend and his girlfriend talking about my upcoming birthday.)
Friend: “Wow, you’re going to be two decades old tomorrow.”
His Girlfriend: “Whoa. You’re going to be 24?!”
Friend: “No, you’re counting in donuts.”
