(I work for a small company where I make a fairly low, but livable base salary. With each project I complete, if I complete them more quickly than billed for, I am supposed to earn the remaining money as bonus. Unfortunately, my boss underprices our services, and while I always end up turning out quality work, that gets praised and has won an award for the company, I usually take all the time given, so I rarely make bonus money. After almost four years, friends and family have been telling me I should still ask for a raise in my base pay. This happens when I sit down with my boss for a personal review.)

Boss: “So you always do great work, of course. Good quality, and our clients like it, but you know you never really make bonus money. Our clients don’t need it perfect, they just need it when they need it, and you always take so long.”

Me: *this is not new criticism, so I try to smile and acknowledge it* “I know. I’m very aware that I don’t make extra money, but I’ve tried so hard to change how I work, and it never seems to be enough. Doing things fast and sloppy just doesn’t come naturally to me. I do know that I’ve gotten faster and more efficient since I started working here, but—”

Boss: “Everyone else manages to make more money for the company than you do. I just don’t know how I can motivate you more.”

Me: “…I’m sorry. I do the best that I can, and I always improve our files so that they can be reused in the future. I do think the way we process cases could be more efficient. I have some ideas—”

Boss: “So I was thinking maybe if I lower your base salary, you might, you know, be motivated to work more and earn that bonus money, so that you’d still be earning what you were before.”

Me: *shocked* “I think that’s a TERRIBLE idea.”

(My boss just sort of laughed, like, “Huh, I guess she didn’t like that idea for some reason; ah, well,” and didn’t bring it up again. But needless to say I didn’t bother to ask about a pay raise after that!)

(I work in a very specific area of the computer software services industry that can be very complicated to people who are new. Consistently, my organization is ranked as one of the top partners for one of the software giants. In addition, we have dozens of videos, case studies, and employees, including the executives and many consultants, listed within our website. I monitor the customer chat for our site.)

Me: “Hello, [Customer]. Can I help you with anything today?

Customer: “Your website tells me nothing about the personnel managing your company. Who is the head? Who are the consultants?”

Me: “Can I ask why you need the information?”

Customer: “25 years of experience in what?”

Me: “Or where specifically? We have hundreds of consultants.”

Customer: “If you need to be top secret and don’t allow potential customers to know who they are doing business with then I should look at a company that is more open. Do you have criminals at the top of the organization?”

Me: “We don’t try to hide our information. We’re more than welcome to share if you have a specific need. I can only speak for myself, but as far as I know, there are no criminals here.”

Customer: “No names, no background information as to what they have done to call themselves a consultant. Sounds sketchy to me.”

Me: “Would you like to view a few of our case studies? Or you can find a specific location with detailed information with the names of the local team members.”

Customer: “Let me call [Software Partner] to find someone who is a little more forthcoming.”

Me: “I don’t think I’ve withheld anything from your requests”

Customer: “I am going to ask [Software Partner] why you guys are hiding behind a giant wall.”

Me: “…to keep away the White Walkers, sir”

System: “Visitor exited chat.”

Coworker: “Just a head’s up. [Manager] might not be here tomorrow.”

Me: “Oh, how come?”

Coworker: “Earlier, she looked at me and said ‘I’m not coming to work tomorrow.’ But that could mean anything.”

(She actually did show up to work the next day.)

(I work in the office of a small non-profit. We have had a number of “toner pirates” (people who try to scam you into buying their overpriced toner you already get as part of your contract with the photocopier manufacturer) call the office lately. This call happens after I’ve already dealt with several of these scams.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company]. [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Oh, hi, I was hoping to speak to the person in charge of ordering toner?”

Me: *immediately suspicious* “That would be me.”

Caller: “Well, if you can just give me the make and model of your photocopier, I have some great sales on toner to offer you.”

Me: “Thanks, but I’m not interested.”

Caller: “You really can’t pass this up. I just need to know your model number so…”

Me: “I’m sorry, where did you say you were calling from again?”

Caller: “Uhh…” *mumbles something* “You really need to—”

Me: *cuts him off* “I’m sorry, we only deal with [Manufacturer]. Goodbye.”

(I hang up the phone, but 30 seconds later it rings again.)

Me: “Thanks for calling—”

Caller: *interrupting* “How DARE you hang up on me! That was extremely rude and I demand to speak to your supervisor, you stupid idiot!”

Me: *flabbergasted* “Excuse me?”

Caller: “You heard me, you stupid idiot. I need to speak to your supervisor!”

Me: “You’re calling me a stupid idiot? I think we’re done here.” *hangs up*

(My “supervisor” and I had a good laugh about how I could have possibly turned down an opportunity to do business with a scammer who called me a stupid idiot!)

(My dad works on phone systems, and I sometimes go on calls with him on weekends. This call is late at night, so only a night crew is on with a receptionist. The phone system won’t take or place any calls. The receptionist has led us back to the “Phone Room” which had a piece of equipment that was taller than my dad.)

Dad: “Is everyone off the phones?”

Receptionist: “Yes. The system won’t let them be on the phone anyway.”

Dad: “Good. We need to shut the system down – like SO!”

(He makes hand gestures to go with it and the whole system goes dark. Apparently without him ever even touching the system.)

Dad: “We give this about 60 seconds now.”

(The receptionist and I stand there just staring, while my dad looks at his watch.)

Dad: “Now, to bring it back up – Alacazam!”

(Again, with hand gestures, and still apparently not having touched it, the system starts to boot up! The receptionist and I are now standing there with our mouths wide open. Dad gets this little grin and points down…)

Dad: “The switch is down by my foot.”