(We have a two-hour time limit on our computers, to ensure that everyone who needs a computer gets a chance at one. If someone is doing homework, taxes, looking for employment, etc., I can stretch the time limit, but kids who come in just to watch YouTube or play games are kept to the two-hour limit.)

Girl: “I want a computer, please.”

Me: “All right, you’re on Computer #1. Remember there’s a two hour time limit.”

Girl: “I KNOW! Geez. You don’t have to tell me every time!”

(This girl comes in regularly to watch YouTube videos, and that’s her reaction every time I remind her of the time limit. Finally, one day she comes in and I figure I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.)

Girl: “I want a computer.”

Me: “All right, Computer #1.” *decide not to remind her of the rule, as she’s insisted she knows it*

(My shift ends before her time limit is up, so I remind her as I leave that she has ten minutes left. She comes in the next day.)

Girl: “I want a computer.”

Me: “All right, hop on Computer #1. Remember, there’s a two-hour time limit.”

Girl: “Oh, nobody told me that yesterday, so I was on for like, five hours.”

Me: “…I told you that you had ten minutes left. Also, the time limit applies whether or not I remind you of it.”

Girl: “Well, nobody told me so I thought it didn’t apply.”

Me: *internally head-desking*

(This kind of exchange happens at least five times every day, despite the fact that we have a large sign on the wall, right behind us, which says that materials will not be issued without a library card.)

Student: “I want to borrow a laptop.”

Me: “Sure, do you have your library card?”

Student: “Oh, no, I don’t have it with me today.”

Me: “Sorry, you need to have your card to borrow anything from the library.”

Student: *genuinely astonished* “Really?”

Me: “Yes, absolutely.”

(We never cease to be amazed at the expectation that we will happily hand over £500-worth of computing kit without being able to see if the person is a student with borrowing privileges.)

(I’m a student who also works arranging appointments with tutors provided by the university. It’s usually pretty slow, but we get swamped with people around midterms and finals, and without fail an exchange like this ALWAYS takes place.)

Student: “Can I make an appointment with one of the writing tutors?”

Me: “We’re pretty much booked solid, but I might be able to get you an hour on [Day]. Is your paper very long?”

Student: “I thought they wrote the paper for you.”

Me: “No, they help you edit and revise it. If we wrote your paper for you, that would be cheating…”

(Not everyone gets the hint right away. I’ve even had someone try to offer me – an English major – money for doing their work!)

(I’m a librarian in a college library. I come in to work to find the coworker I take over from helping a student over the phone. He can’t get in to one of our electronic databases and she is finding articles for him.)

Coworker: “I’ve put all the articles into a folder. Can I just send the folder to him?”

Me: “Er, I don’t know of any way to do that, but you can email him the permalinks. I’m not sure that will help, though, because he’ll still have to log into [Database] to get them.”

Coworker: *blank* “Why?”

Me: *blank* “Because he has to be logged in to [Database] for them to come up.” *no comprehension dawning* “Because… because the permalink just goes to the page. I mean, he can’t just access it.”

Coworker: “But he’s having trouble getting into [Database].”

Me: *utterly at a loss to explain this really, really obvious concept* “Just get his email address; I’ll save the PDFs and email them to him.”

(She got his email address, but then proceeded to spend close to 15 minutes saving four PDFs HERSELF, all the while half complaining about having to stay so late after I had offered repeatedly to do it myself.)

Me: *answering phone* “Hello, this is [Library]. How can I help you?”

Patron: “Hello, is [Name] there?”

Me: “I’m sorry, there’s nobody here by that name. Can I take a message?”

Patron: “Uh… You said there’s nobody there by the name of [Name]?”

Me: “Yes. Do you want to leave a message?”

Patron: “Uh… no, thank you.” *hangs up*

Me: *hangs up*

(About ten seconds later:)

Me: “Wait…”