(My boyfriend likes to joke around and make fun of me a lot. It’s usually good-natured, but he knows he’s gone too far when I get quiet and stop the joking. His way of apologizing is to say ‘I love you’ until I say it back. He can gauge how angry I am by how many times he has to say it before I return the sentiment.)

Boyfriend: *after insinuating I will suck at the career that I’ve been training nearly 8 years for* “I love you.”

Me: “Mm-hmm.”

Boyfriend: “I looooooooove you.”

Me: “Right.”

Boyfriend: “I. Love. You.”

Me: “Okay, that’s nice.”

Boyfriend: “I LOVE YOU!”

Me: “I know.”

Boyfriend: *in quick succession* “I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you!”

Me: *sigh* “I love you, too.”

Boyfriend: “You were really pissed. Gods, woman, lighten up.”

(Silence.)

Boyfriend: “Um… I love you?”

(I am spending 18 months working as a missionary and I will not see my family during this time. I send pictures often, though. I am reading a letter from my sister.)

Sister: “We got your pictures. Mom says you’re fat.”

Me: “If mom feels like that’s all she can say, I don’t have to send her letters and pictures.”

(Three days later, mom sends me two dozen cookies.)

Me: “I guess she changed her mind.”

(The next day, a box of diet bars arrives.)

Me: “Nope, I was wrong.”

(My mom has been keeping toys that my siblings and I have had over the years in boxes labelled ‘for future grandkids’. When I was told that it wasn’t medically safe for me to have kids, she was really disappointed and apparently the idea of adoption never occurred to her. I’ve had a great big cat for years and he acts like a baby, so we like to joke that he’s the closest she’ll get to a grandbaby from me. We have relatives visiting from out of the country.)

Me: *cradling the cat* “Here’s the little man.”

Mom: “Ah, my little grandchild!”

Cousin: *to my mom* “I bet you can’t wait for human grandchildren, can you?”

Mom: “Well, I might get them from [sibling’s names], but not her.”

Me: *dryly* “Hello, mom! I can still adopt.”

Mom: “Well those wouldn’t be my real grandchildren, not like him.” *scratches the cat’s ears*

Me: “Mom, he’s a cat. If I gave birth to a cat I’d have a television show.”

(I am helping my mom purchase and install an anti-virus for her computer over the phone since we live in different states. My mom’s not very skilled when it comes to computers, but everything is going pretty well. She’s purchased and saved the needed files.)

Mom: “Hey! It says it’s downloading!”

Me: “That’s good.”

Mom: *growing more frantic* “But it’s downloading! Where is it downloading?! Is it downloading onto my computer?!”

Me: *pause, then with extreme sarcasm* “No, mom. It’s downloading onto your toaster.”

Mom: “Why would it download there?!”

(My boyfriend and I cuddling on the couch talking about music.)

Boyfriend: “I love playing synthesizers because they make weird noises, and everything. Like you!”

Me: “So, I’m your human synthesizer?”

Boyfriend: “Yes!” *starts to poke me in various places* “Make noise, d*** it!”