(Before Valentine’s Day, 2007…)

Me: *to my boyfriend* “Don’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s a waste of money and we can get chocolate for half off the next day.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.”

(Despite what I tell him, I still get flowers delivered to me on Valentine’s Day. I call and berate him.)

Boyfriend: “Well, sometimes girls say they don’t but really do!”

(Before Valentine’s Day, 2008…)

Me: *talking to my next boyfriend* “Don’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s a waste of money and we can get chocolate for half off the next day. I yelled at last year’s boyfriend for doing it.”

Boyfriend #2: “Okay.”

(I still get flowers delivered to me on Valentine’s Day. I call and berate him.)

Boyfriend #2: “Well, sometimes girls say they don’t but really do!”

(Before Valentine’s Day, 2009…)

Me: *to yet ANOTHER boyfriend* “Don’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s a waste of money and we can get chocolate for half off the next day. I yelled at the last two boyfriends for doing it. And it’s your birthday, so seriously. Just don’t.”

Boyfriend #3: “Okay.”

(He doesn’t get flowers for me on Valentine’s Day. I call and thank him.)

Me: “THANK YOU!”

Boyfriend #3: “Well, if you tell me not to do something, I won’t.”

(I’m marrying him this year!)

(I live with my older brother in a townhouse. Because of this I usually take care of cooking and cleaning, but this time I leave him in charge of making dinner.)

Brother: “How do you cook hotdogs?”

Me: *blank stare; heavy sigh* “Okay, first you boil the water.”

Brother: “For how long?”

Me: “Until the water boils, then you put the hotdogs in, and boil the hotdogs.”

Brother: “I don’t get it.”

Me: “Boil the water, put the hotdogs in, boil the hotdogs.”

(He gives me a blank stare.)

Brother: “But wouldn’t the hotdogs already be boiled, right when I put them in?”

Me: “What? No, because when you put the hotdogs in the water stops boiling… you need to wait for it to boil again.”

Brother: “For how long?”

Me: “A couple of minutes… and if you want to be more precise, the hotdogs will start splitting.”

Brother: “So, I wait until they’re split?”

Me: “Yes…” *walking away* “I’m leaving now, and if I come back and the house isn’t here… I’ll understand why.”

(I can hear shouting and screaming from my family in the kitchen.)

Me: “What is going on?”

Family: “Why?”

Me: “Because the only words I could make out of the ruckus were ‘anal fissure’, “motor-saw’ and ‘chicken’!”

(I am in the mailroom getting my mail on Valentine’s Day, and there is another student in there with his girlfriend checking his mail. Both of us have mailboxes on the very last row, which makes them hard to get to. The boyfriend gets on one knee, and reaches into his pocket.)

Girlfriend: “You’re seriously proposing to me? I’m not ready for this yet!”

(The boyfriend pulls his key out of pocket.)

Girlfriend: “You couldn’t have even gotten me a ring? You had to propose to me with a key made of shiny fake gold?”

(The boyfriend opens his mailbox.)

Girlfriend: *embarrassed* “Oh. I see. Never mind.”

Me: “This is why I don’t bring my girlfriend here.”

(About a year ago, our comforter ripped in the wash and had to be thrown out. Since then, we’ve been sleeping with a heavy blanket on the bed. Up until this point, our opposite tastes have prevented us from agreeing on a comforter set. I’ve been trying furiously to find one because my husband is a HUGE cover hog and this winter has been miserable for me.)

Husband: “I want you to pick out your favorite comforter set and send me a link.”

(Valentine’s Day is next week and even though it would be a gift to me, I pick out a set that I really like and that I think he would tolerate. I email it to him.)

Husband: *chuckles* “This is a test, isn’t it?”

Me: *frown*

Husband: “REALLY?!”