Me: “Did my friend call?”

Big Brother: “No, why?”

Me: “She’s coming over here. We’re doing homework together.”

Big Brother: “She’s coming here?!”

Me: “Uh… yeah.”

Big Brother: “Are you two gonna do lesbo stuff?”

Me: “WHAT?”

Big Brother: “Girls always do lesbo stuff when they’re alone together! You know, like kissing, and feeling each other’s boobs, and having pillow fights…”

Me: “Would you stop it?!”

Big Brother: “Hey, it’s cool with me!”

(At that moment there’s a knock on the door. My big brother answers it. My friend sweeps past him and throws her arms around me.)

Friend: “Darling! My heart ached from being apart from you so long!”

(She starts covering my face with kisses, and rubs my back.)

Big Brother: “I knew it! I gotta get my camera!”

(He dashes out of the room, and I untangle myself from my friend. She is laughing like a madwoman.)

Me: “What the h*** was that about?!”

Friend: “Oh, I just heard him talking about ‘lesbo stuff’ through the door, and just wanted to screw with his mind.”

(The two of us crack up laughing, then hurry upstairs to my bedroom. We can hear my big brother cursing about how he missed the ‘hot lesbo action’.)

(My family is watching ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’. This particular episode includes a character named Barclay, who is selected as part of the away team, and must be transported during an ion storm. He has a panic attack, and refuses.)

Dad: “You know, if I recall, Doctor McCoy wasn’t too keen on being transported either.”

Me: *quoting* “I signed aboard this ship to practice medicine, not to have my atoms scattered back and forth across space by this gadget!”

Sister: “Why is Mom giving [My Name] that look?”

Me: “Because she’s embarrassed that her daughter is such a Trekkie, that she can produce appropriate quotes on cue.”

This story is part of our ‘Star Trek’ roundup!

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(My girlfriend is six-months pregnant, and we are both massive Doctor Who fans. We are both girls.)

Girlfriend: “Honey, look! I’ve swallowed a planet!”

Me: “Oh no! I’ll have to call the Doctor to rescue you!”

Girlfriend: “No, you’re the Doctor, and I’m Amy!”

Me: “Ooh, a girl Doctor! Hang on, but then you leave!” *pouts*

Girlfriend: “Fine, then, I’m River Song!”

Me: “Everyone the Doctor loves goes away!”

Girlfriend: “Well then, I’m another Time Lord, so we’ll be together forever!”

Me: “Yay! I just hope I don’t burn our planet down this time. Even if I do, I’ll always love you!”

(My husband and I are sitting in the living room together. I have a random song from a children’s movie stuck in my head. As the chorus begins in my head, my husband starts whistling it. I put down my book to stare at him.)

Husband: “What?”

Me: “I have had that song stuck in my head for hours. I was just repeating the chorus, and you started whistling it!”

Husband: “Um, okay, that’s a little weird. Were you humming it or something?”

Me: “No! You’re in my head! Get out of my head!”

Husband: “But I like it there! It’s warm and cosy, and the sky is purple!”

(I am visiting my best friend. Two of her children are playing a video game with their dad.)

Best Friend: “We went out and bought the kids brand new clothes the other day. It’s the first time in a while I’ve been able to afford to buy them new stuff.”

Me: “Yeah, they look good. Good job.”

Best Friend: “Yup, [nine-year-old] loves his clothes. You’re wearing them right now, aren’t you kiddo?”

Nine-Year-Old Son: *without looking away from his game* “Yeah, I upgraded my character.”