(I am opening fortune cookies after we have ordered takeout. I get one that says, ‘you have a secret admirer.’)

Me: “That’s not even a fortune.”

Husband: “Well, you really don’t know that because you don’t go out much.”

Me: “Excuse me, but I’ve just had a baby. What’s your excuse?”

Husband: “All the things I need are here.” *gestures in front of him*

Me: “That would be a lot sweeter if you didn’t just gesture to the TV and game system.”

(I have recently met a really cute guy who works at coffee shop, and we’ve struck up a friendly relationship. It is just before our first date. He has never seen me without makeup. The only difference between what I’m wearing for our date, and what I wear daily is a little red lipstick and a little more eyeliner than usual.)

My Date: “Ew… Why are you wearing so much makeup?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

My Date: “I really liked you because you never wore makeup like those other s**** who try to get my attention.”

Me: “I always wear makeup. You’ve literally never seen me without it on.”

My Date: “Don’t lie, you b****. I know you don’t wear makeup. You just need to stop pretending if you ever want my d***. I know you’re really a natural beauty, just like Kim Kardashian.”

Me: “Yeah, I just realized I need to wash my hair. Maybe we can go out some other time.”

(The next time I go to the coffee shop, I make a point to actually not wear make up.)

My Date: “I know you made yourself look bad on purpose, but I’ll take you back.”

(My dad and I have been discussing the difference in caring for larger dogs as compared to smaller dogs.)

Dad: “But those larger dogs, they get issues with their hips. I can’t remember what they call that. Something dysplasia?”

Me: “Uh… you mean HIP dysplasia?”

(My dad and I are mowing the driveway into the five acres he owns. The surrounding 280+ acres are owned by a very grouchy immigrated man who wants our land. This neighbor trespasses on our land constantly, and refuses us access to his land in return. We find him moving the property line stakes farther into our land.)

Dad: “What are you doing? You can’t move the property stakes, man.”

Neighbor: “Yes can. My land here. Yours there.”

Dad: “No, that’s not where the property line is. I just had this surveyed, and would appreciate if you left my property and the property stakes alone. Stay off my land.”

Neighbor: *in German* “F****** stupid cows! It should be my land! It should not belong to some a**-hole and his little b****! Damn—”

Me: *in German* “Excuse me? Get off my dad’s land before I call the police. The next time I see you moving property stakes, or dragging deer across this property, I’m going to shoot you in the a** with a paintball gun. Now f*** off, a**-hole.”

(The neighbor turns florid red, and stomps off.)

Dad: “Well, that solves that. Do I want to know what you told him?”

Me: “I told him that if I saw him again on our land, I’d shoot him in the a** with a paintball gun.”

Dad: “That’s my girl!”

Me: “I’m not going to be here on October 5th.”

Mum: “That’s a long weekend.”

Me: “Apparently.”

Mum: “Wait… the zombie walk is on the 6th.”

Me: “I guess I won’t be going then.”

Mum: “Why not?”

Me: “I’m going to a friend’s 21st the night before.”

Mum: “Then you might be a perfect candidate for the zombie walk. You wouldn’t even need makeup.”