A Borderline Infraction

(My dad and I are mowing the driveway into the five acres he owns. The surrounding 280+ acres are owned by a very grouchy immigrated man who wants our land. This neighbor trespasses on our land constantly, and refuses us access to his land in return. We find him moving the property line stakes farther into our land.)

Dad: “What are you doing? You can’t move the property stakes, man.”

Neighbor: “Yes can. My land here. Yours there.”

Dad: “No, that’s not where the property line is. I just had this surveyed, and would appreciate if you left my property and the property stakes alone. Stay off my land.”

Neighbor: *in German* “F****** stupid cows! It should be my land! It should not belong to some a**-hole and his little b****! Damn—”

Me: *in German* “Excuse me? Get off my dad’s land before I call the police. The next time I see you moving property stakes, or dragging deer across this property, I’m going to shoot you in the a** with a paintball gun. Now f*** off, a**-hole.”

(The neighbor turns florid red, and stomps off.)

Dad: “Well, that solves that. Do I want to know what you told him?”

Me: “I told him that if I saw him again on our land, I’d shoot him in the a** with a paintball gun.”

Dad: “That’s my girl!”