(My fiancée and I are at a friend’s house. Since her outfit lacks pockets, I have her cell phone in my pocket. It starts ringing and vibrating.)

Me: “Love?” *give her a smouldering look* “I have something throbbing in my pants for you.”

Me: “I think my butt is catching up with me now.”

Mom: “…what?”

Me: “Oh, I mean that it’s starting to hurt, from riding my bike without the gel seat cover on it this morning.”

(I am witnessing my parents getting ready to go out for dinner on a date-night.)

Mum: “Honey, how do I look?”

Dad: “You’re so beautiful! Just as beautiful as when we met!”

Mum: “Don’t you think I should wear some make-up?”

Dad: “Oh, no, that makes you look like a clown!”

Mum: “Excuse me?”

Dad: “I mean, a beautiful clown… not that I’d fancy a clown; they’re actually quite scary. I don’t mean you’re scary; I’m just defending your natural beauty.”

Mum: “But what’s wrong with wearing some make-up to look better? All women do it.”

Dad: “But you’re not a woman.”

Mum: “What?!”

Dad: “I mean, you’re not like most women; they’re usually shallow and spoiled and—can we just pretend the last five minutes never happened?”

Mum: “You know what? We should just skip dinner!” *storms off*

Me: “What’s the problem with mum?”

Dad: *jokingly* “She’s in a bad mood because her circus performance got postponed.”

(Mum storms back, very agitated.)

Mum: “And now you’re turning them against me? What did I ever do to you?”

Dad: “Sorry dear, I’ve just realised you are a woman, after all.”

Mum: “Really? Why?”

Dad: “You’re insane!”

(My husband is saying goodbye to me as he leaves for work in the morning.)

Husband: “I love you to the moon and back!”

Me: “Hmm… I love you to the sun and back!”

Husband: “Wow! That’s a lot more. Okay, I love you to Polaris and back!”

Me: “Wow! I love you to the Horsehead Nebula and back!”

(We keep naming increasingly distant stars, galaxies, and nebulas, until neither of us can think of any more.)

Husband: “I love you to the farthest thing in the universe and back!”

Me: “Well, the universe is always expanding! So right now there’s an even-farther-away-thing, and I love you to that thing and back!”

Husband: “I guess you win…”

(My girlfriend and I are both jogging in the mornings to get in better shape. She is a morning person, and I am decidedly not.)

Girlfriend: “Come on, time to get up. We have to go run before it gets too hot.”

Me: *groan*

Girlfriend: “Don’t moan. Get up; we have to go!”

Me: *sleepily* “F*** you.”

Girlfriend: “After we run.”

Me: “…deal.”