(For my birthday, I have made a rather long list of things I want on an online store website and sent it to my family. My sister gives me my present, but it is a random book not on the list.)
Me: “Why didn’t you pick something from the list?”
Sister: “There were so many things on it. I didn’t know which one you wanted…”
(My mom is watching my cousin for a couple of days while her parents get moved in to a new place. She has proven to be a fussy eater and my mom hates waste. We also don’t have much money, which even I at age three know. Lunch time comes around and my mom pulls out a can of cheap store brand soup. My cousin immediately sets up a protest.)
Cousin: “That’s not [Pricey Name Brand]. I only eat [Pricey Name Brand] soup!”
(Sensing yet another meal time struggle, my mom thinks of something.)
My Mom: “This is so [Pricey Name Brand]! ”
Cousin: “It doesn’t look like [Pricey Name Brand].”
My Mom: “That’s because it’s made just for children. See? Right there on the label. It says [Pricey Name Brand] for KIDS.”
(Since my cousin is four, she can’t read, so she settles down and eats her [Store Brand] soup with no further squawking.)
(I have already graduated from college, but am living and working in the same city as my alma mater, and live with friends who are still students. It is the weekend before finals week.)
Me: “You know the stereotypical dream students have, where you go to an exam for a class you haven’t attended all term and haven’t studied for? I just woke up from that dream.”
Roommate: *laughs* “At least you aren’t a student anymore, and you know it’s just a bad dream! Not like the rest of us, you lucky duck!”
(I check my email, and see one from a former professor of mine.)
Professor: “Dear [class I’ve never taken] students: as promised, here is the list of what you should bring to the final on Monday…”
(I actually screamed, before realizing he had sent the email to the wrong group of students! My roommates laughed at me for the rest of the day.)
(I am in a same-sex relationship and have just applied for a teaching job at a private Catholic high school in my area. While I am a confirmed Catholic, I’m researching whether or not I can be open about my sexuality should I work at the school. I find the student handbook and stumble across the dress code.)
Me: “Huh. I guess that male students have to be clean-shaven. They’re allowed sideburns, but only above the ear.”
(My girlfriend is out of the room as I announce this, so I just assume she hasn’t heard me until she walks back in.)
Girlfriend: “So I heard a little bit of what you were saying. That must mean you’d have to be out if you taught there.”
Me: “Wait, what do you mean I’d have to be out? What are you talking about?”
Girlfriend: “Well, you can’t have a beard!”
(I proceeded to put my face in my hands as my girlfriend gleefully cavorted around the apartment, extremely proud of her joke.)
(I turn to my husband while half asleep.)
Me: “Will you hold my wiggly worm?”
(I reached out my hand to him as if I were dangling a worm. He held out his hand palm-up and accepted the imaginary worm, and I went back to sleep. He sat there for a few seconds holding his hand that way until he remembered there wasn’t really a worm!)
