(The pin pads at our store allow the customer the option of getting an emailed receipt when they use a debit or credit card. Unfortunately, some form of this conversation happens at least once daily:)

Pin Pad: “Would you like an email receipt? [Yes] [No].”

Me: “There’s one more question there for you; it’s asking if you would like an email receipt.”

Customer: “Oh, no. Just the paper one.” *hits yes*

Pin Pad: “Please enter your email.”

Customer: “I don’t want an emailed receipt! Why is it asking for my email?!”

Me: “You hit yes…”

(I work at a mom-and-pop hardware store where we sell a little bit of everything.)

Me: “Here you go, ma’am. We have all different kinds of rat killer.”

(I show her a few different brands and styles.)

Customer: “Can you show me where y’all’s pneumonia is?”

(I give her a strange look.)

Customer: “Did I not pronounce that correct?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, you did and I can show you pneumonia, but that’s an illness so I don’t think you want that.”

Customer: “Oh, oh! I meant ammonia.”

(It is May. Tomorrow is predicted to be the first 90+ degree day of the year and I’m trying to get prepared for the heat. I can’t imagine I’m alone in this venture.)

Me: “Excuse me, would you happen to know where the air conditioner filters are?”

Employee: “Well… like… do you have central or window?”

Me: “Window. Like the cut-to-size filters. They’re usually green?”

Employee: “Hmm… they would be in seasonal, but they’re seasonal and I think they’re out of season, so we probably don’t have them in stock this time of year.”

Me: *dumbfounded pause* “Um, okay. Thanks anyway, I guess?”

(They were indeed in the seasonal section, along with other warm weather goods. I’m still not sure what season that employee thinks we’re in right now.)

(In the front of the store is where the registers are located along with the front doors. On the very right side of the building is another set of counters where our Parts and Service department is located. We sell power equipment like blowers, chainsaws, lawnmowers. A man approaches my coworker in the front of the store where the registers are. A customer sets down a “name brand” blower and takes out his wallet.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, but if you go back over to where you got the blower, the guys over at Parts & Service will put oil and gas in it for you and make sure it works before you leave the store. And the cashier will take your money and get the warranty paperwork started for you.”

(The guy just looks at her and then runs out the front with the blower in hand. My other coworker runs after the guy. The man throws the blower in the back seat and gets into the passenger side of the car. The windows are down so my coworker reaches in and grabs the blower and is about to pull it out of the car when the man grabs his hand and squeezes hard. The other man in the driver’s side backs up and takes off. My coworker is able to pull his arm out of the car before he gets hurt.)

Manager: “Hey! Are you okay?! Don’t ever do anything like that again! I appreciate what you were trying to do, but don’t do that, ever!”

(My manager asks if anyone was able to get the license plate of the car. No one did. Meanwhile my assistant manager is calling the cops who (I’m not joking) are only half a mile down the street. The cops get there and are talking to everyone involved. My manager walks out to where the car was parked. He looks down on the ground and can’t believe what he sees. He walks back in the store, grinning and chuckling.)

Manager: “Officer, I think you’ll find him in no time using this.”

(My manager handed the officer the man’s CREDIT CARD that he had dropped on the ground. About a week later they found the man and also found that he had other warrants out for his arrest. We got our blower back and the man got bit in the a** by karma.)

(Customers have busy lives, but sometimes their attention span is ridiculous, even for a preoccupied mind.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, you can insert your card.”

Customer: *taps, and then swipes*

Me: “Sorry, you have to insert your card.”

Customer: *taps furiously and keeps swiping*

Me: “Ma’am, you need to insert the chip in our card reader. You can’t swipe.”

Customer: *continues to swipe furiously*

Me: *sensing there is no getting through to her* “Okay, here. I can do it for you. *reaches for her card, but has hand slapped away*

Customer: “Don’t touch my card, you brat!”

(At this point, I had enough.)

Me: “And you, ma’am, don’t have the right to touch me. I’m done serving you. My register is closed. Please go to register six.”

Customer: “LET ME SPEAK WITH YOUR MANAGER! I HAVE NEVER FELT SO DISRESPECTED IN MY LIFE!”

Me: “Sure thing.” *I call the extension* “Hi, [Head Cashier], a customer wants to speak with you.” *I hand the phone to the customer*

Customer: “Yes, this little s*** cashier should be fired. He started yelling at me and tried to grab my card… Yes. Yes, he is… Yes. Yes, that was me… I will not apologize to that little s***… Fine, you too, f*****!” *hangs up*

Customer: *throws her items at me, including a very sharp drywall knife that hits me in the arm and breaks my skin* “I hope you burn in h***!”

Me: “Sure, ma’am. But before that, I’m calling the police on you for assault.”

Customer: “Not if I can help it, f*****!”

(The customer proceeds to run for the door, but is stopped by our 6’7″ loss prevention associate. He holds her until the police arrive, and I press charges. Last update I heard was that she was spending 10 months behind bars. And all because she didn’t pay attention to me when I instructed her to insert her card.)