(I am looking at ceramic tiles. Having done tiling before, I know I need to cut at least a few of them to fit. I’d previously bought tile at a local, now defunct, tile store that allowed customers to use their tile saw, so I  have inquired whether this store has a tile saw or cutter I can use.)

Employee #1: “No, but here’s what you can do.” *taking me to an obviously well-used tile cutter* “Take this tile cutter to the register and buy it at full price. Use it for three days maximum and you can return it for full credit. It’s like a free rental.”

Me: “But that means I only have three days to do the job.”

Employee #1: “Yes.”

(I was a bit dubious about this, but decided to go ahead. I finished the job late the second day but was too tired to run to the store, so decided to let returning the cutter ride till the third day. Since I knew I had a number of things to do the next day, a Sunday, I phoned the store for store hours.)

Employee #2: “How may I help you?”

Me: “I just need to know your hours.”

Employee #2: “We close at 9 pm.”

Me: “Thank you.”

(So, after taking care of all my chores, it is about 5 pm. Since I’d been told the store was open till 9 pm, I decide to go after dinner. I get to the store about 6:30 pm to find it closed! I walk up to the door and find that the hours for that day Sunday, are actually 8:00 am – 6:00 pm. So, after work Monday, I swing by the store to return the cutter.)

Employee #3: “I’m sorry, we can’t accept this return. It’s a day late.”

Me: “It’s a day late because I was told your store closed at 9:00 pm and was not told it closed early on Sunday.”

(This went back and forth a few times till I insisted on speaking to the store manager. He initially told me the same thing, but I wasn’t hearing it.)

Me: “So you have this peculiar policy that I must BUY an obviously USED tile cutter to do an ESSENTIAL job in tile-laying, and then you’ll accept a return in three days. I’d have been happy just to be able to use the same tile cutter in your store, but that option wasn’t open to me. Had you provided NO way to cut tiles, I wouldn’t have bought them here in the first place. Then, when I phoned in and spoke to a human being, that person didn’t give me the store hours as I requested, but only the closing time for MOST days of the week. Exactly what did I do wrong except to shop here in the first place — an error I could easily correct in the future by shopping at [Competitor]?”

(The manager approved the refund of my purchase of the used tile cutter.)

Dear readers! This story was originally submitted without a title, to encourage you to come up with a witty submission yourselves. After considering the many amazing suggestions in the comments section, we have come up with the title above. Thank you all for participating; we had a blast reading them!

(I am at a major hardware warehouse looking for some things, and I go to an employee to help me.)

Me: “Hi. My boyfriend gave me a list of things we need, but I don’t know what most of these things are. Can you help me find them, please?”

Employee: “Sure.”

Woman Near Us: “You know, you shouldn’t be like this. Women can be mechanics and fix things as well! Don’t fall into gender restrictions, and be a powerful woman.”

Me: *startled by this outburst, but deciding to be polite anyway* “Uh… okay. I’m just really not interested in this stuff. And it’s not like I’m falling into gender restrictions; I’m attending law school.”

Woman Near Us: *ignoring me, continuing rant* “And why are you fetching this stuff for your man? He shouldn’t use you like this! Men, they’re pigs.”

Me: “He’s at home, taking care of the baby…”

Customer: “God, I can’t believe you have Halloween and Christmas out already! It’s only late September! Surely, people aren’t buying for those already, are they?”

Me: “Oh, you’d be surprised, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, it’s ridiculous. I don’t know why they do.”

Me: “Well, it’s actually a good idea. See, decorating for Halloween and Christmas can be expensive. If we get the stuff out early, people who don’t have money to buy all that at once can buy a little at a time, and by Christmas, they’ll have a good amount of stuff.”

Customer: “Well, if they have to do that, then poor people shouldn’t bother celebrating Christmas!”

(As I walk past the restrooms heading back to the manager’s office, a man comes out of the men’s room.)

Customer: “I finally did! I finally passed that son of a gun!”

(The man holds up a wad of toilet paper… with a KIDNEY STONE on it.)

Me: “Oh, God.” *and I quickly duck into the office!*

(One of our local hardware stores has just installed self checkouts. I’m in line waiting to use one myself. I watch one gentleman get through ringing everything in just fine, and then he goes to pay. I guess he selected debit or credit.)

Machine: *quite audible* “Please use the pin-pad on the side to complete your transaction.”

(The screen also had a diagram and an arrow. The customer stuck his card in the bill slot, then tried the coin slot, then tried the receipt slot, then tried to swipe card on the scanner. He managed to try everywhere but the actual debit terminal, all while the machine was giving clear prompts along with a picture. He eventually cancelled everything and went to a regular cashier.)