(At the university I’m attending, there’s a guy who’ll frequently want to talk to me and my friend for some reason. This guy has a VERY pretentious air about him, and when someone has differing tastes in media than he does, he acts somewhat condescendingly. Today, we’re having computer-aided design (CAD) classes all day, and we’ve just returned from lunch. The guy decides to sit next to my friend and takes the computer I used before we left. I’m left-handed, so the mouse is on the left side.)

Guy: “What kind of a f****** idiot would have their mouse like this?!”

Me: “That ‘f*****g idiot’ is me. I’m left-handed.”

Guy: “So am I, but I always use my right hand for the mouse.”

Friend: “So… you’re left-handed, but you use the mouse right-handedly?”

Guy: *slight scoff* “Yes! It’s much better!”

(I hadn’t realized you could sound pretentious about which hand you operated a computer with!)

Professor: “Let’s take a character like Spock who has all these cognitive abilities but no desires or passions—”

Student #1: “But he does have desires! He’s half human.”

Professor: “Okay. Maybe that’s a bad example, then.”

Student #2: “We could use Data instead.”

Professor: “… Who?”

(I am talking to my biodiversity and adaptations professor.)

Me: “There are a few species of plants that only flower for one day. What is the evolutionary advantage of that?”

Professor: “… I’m not a good botanist.”

Me: “But you’re my professor for evolutionary adaptations of plants.”

Professor: “Yeah.” *walks away*

(A friend and roommate is upset at me one night and I have no idea why. I finally ask her.)

Roommate: “You haven’t been making me feel good about myself often enough!”

Me: “What?!”

Roommate: *serious* “I need constant appreciation!”

(I am baking a cake and a friend has just dropped by to keep me company.)

Me: “Yeah, so I just put the cake into the oven.”

Friend: “Cool.”

Me: “Yep.”

Friend: “I can’t cook because I’m on my period.”

Me: “Mmh—wait WHAT? You can’t cook because you’re on your period?!”

Friend: “Mmhm.”

Me: *starts dying of laughter*

Friend: “Wait, what’d I just say?”