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Profess To Be The Professor

| Learning | February 4, 2014

(Today is the first day of the course. As in most colleges and universities, my school follows the policy where if the professor doesn’t show after 15 minutes, the students are allowed to leave without fear of being penalized. Despite my professor being a no-show for more than 15 minutes, only one student has left the classroom. Suddenly, a man gets up from his desk from the back of the room and makes his way to the professor’s desk.)

Man: “Hello, everyone! I’m the professor for this course. I was actually testing you all to see if anyone would leave before the 15 minute mark. Congrats, you all pass!”

(At this point, he begins to empty his bag on the desk and fiddle around with the computer. After a moment or two, while he starts to arrange a pile of papers, everyone begins to take out their supplies again. This continues for a good five minutes.)

Man: “Right! Sooo…”

(All of a sudden, he quickly gathers all of his things, jams them back into his bag, and says:)

Man: “Nope. JK, peeps! I’m not the professor. I have no idea where he is. SEE YA!”

(The man walked right out! We sat in stunned silence until a teacher’s aide came in minutes later and informed us that the professor had called in and cancelled class.)

Hoping To Live Happily Ever After

| Romantic | February 4, 2014

(My girlfriend and I have just realized that I have an all-day event on the day of our one year anniversary.)

Girlfriend: “If we have to, we can celebrate a year and a day. That has a fine literary history, at least.”

Me: “I can’t think of any…”

Girlfriend: “Well, in fairy tales and such, people are often…” *long pause* “…cursed for a year and a day. That’s not how that sentence was supposed to end!”

Cutey In The Booty

| Romantic | February 4, 2014

(My boyfriend and I are walking to class. It is very cold out and the sidewalks are icy. He slips on a big patch of ice. By instinct, I try to catch him, but instead I grab his butt.)

Boyfriend: “Are you seriously telling me that if I fell, you would only save my butt?”

Me: “Dat a**, though.”

Boyfriend: “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

It Was The Chad

| Romantic | February 1, 2014

(I have just woken up from a bad dream, and text my boyfriend, asking him to cheer me up. He thinks this is silly, as it was just a dream. Note: It is a joke on the internet that ‘Chad’ is and always will be a ‘douche.’)

Me: “Fine. Don’t try to cheer up your girlfriend. Be THAT guy.”

Boyfriend: “Chad?”

Me: “If it makes you feel better.”

(Some time passes without a response, as he is in class.)

Me: “Way to be Chad.”

Boyfriend: “Chad has class. F*** Chad.”

Me: “Chad was rude to his girlfriend between classes. F*** Chad.”

(More time without a response.)

Me: “Whattadouche.”

Boyfriend: “You want to f*** Chad?”

Me: “I apparently have.”

Boyfriend: “Yes! =D”

Me: “…”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “You should not be that happy to be Chad!”

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

| Working | February 1, 2014

(I work at a local community college as a custodian. My boss, who also happens to be my IT professor, is known to show favoritism and rarely thinks things through.)

Boss: “[Name], can I speak with you in private, please?”

Me: “Sure. What do you need?”

Boss: “[Name], we need to talk about your work ethic here. You are falling behind and your work just isn’t up to par with our standards.”

(I am outraged, as I have been having to perform most of my coworkers duties because he takes several, hour long, breaks and doesn’t get everything done that he should.)

Me: “Not up to par? I have been working my tail off. I have done everything you have asked of me plus some, and I take up the slack when [Coworker] is busy.”

Boss: *totally ignoring me* “We also think you have been taking too many breaks.”

Me: “I don’t take any breaks. [Coworker] takes hour long breaks throughout the day. Why don’t you talk to him about this?”

Boss: “Because [Coworker] has been here longer. He is entitled to more privileges.”

Me: “So when nothing gets done because he has to go have a smoke I get blamed for trying to take up the slack?”

Boss: “No one is blaming you for anything. I just think you need to re-examine how you do your job. Also, you need to start reporting to your supervisor more often.”

Me: “You told me that [Coworker] was my supervisor and I check with him before I do anything.”

Boss: “That’s right but you need to check with me, too.”

Me: “I do! Daily! Every time I do you just tell me to go ask [Coworker].”

Boss: “Yes, but after you go talk to him you need to come and ask me again because things might have changed.”

Me: *sighs* “Is there anything else?”

Boss: “Yes, you need to stop being such a smart-a** in my class. It is making the other students uncomfortable. Stop answering all of my questions.”

Me: “First of all, how does this pertain to my work ethic? And second, if you don’t want me to answer a question then stop directing all of them towards me.”

Boss: “Look. I just want to make all of my students feel comfortable. If that is too much to ask maybe you should consider finding another job.”

Me: “Fine! Is there anything else?”

Boss: “Yes, we need to talk about you stealing from [College].”

Me: “WHAT?!”

Boss: “I have been keeping track of you. You leave fifteen minutes early every day but don’t mark it on your time sheet.”

Me: “The earliest I have left was five minutes early. That was last winter when the dean sent all of us home early due to the weather, and I marked it. I still have not been paid for the first two weeks I have worked here because YOU lost my time sheets.”

Boss: “Ugh, not this again. It’s not my fault you couldn’t get them to me.”

Me: “I turned them in with [Coworker]’s, and he got paid. I checked with HR. They said they never received them.”

Boss: “Whatever. That still does not excuse your actions.”

Me: “I have been here working overtime EVERY day since I started. Ask [Coworker]. I spent two hours cleaning the theater from top to bottom yesterday while he re-wired the front office.”

Boss: “You can’t prove that by just getting someone to vouch for you. I was here yesterday. I know when you left.”

Me: “No, you don’t. You left an hour early to go meet with your girlfriend.”

Boss: “Look. Argue all you want. You are still wrong. I am putting this in your record. Now I suggest you go home early today since you are obviously not in any emotional state to work.”

(I left, typed up a letter of resignation, and left it on the dean’s desk on my way to class that evening. Needless to say he attempted to fail me but after having the head of the college’s IT department look back over my work, I got the highest grade in my class. I changed my major just to get away from this jerk. They have had several people take my place but none have stayed longer than a few months because of him.)