(I am sitting in the backseat of the car with my three-year-old niece. In the process of playing with her toys, she has accidentally hit me.)

Me: “Careful, [name]!”

Niece’s Mother: “[Name], are you being nice?”

(My niece starts to bend her sandals to laugh at the plastic parts sliding out of the sole.)

Me: “No, she’s being goofy.”

Niece’s Mother: “That’s not a surprise.”

Niece: *suddenly paying attention* “I WANT A SURPRISE!”

(I’m on a road trip with my boyfriend to visit his sister. We’re playing a game where we punch each other every time we see an out of state license plate. He’s currently winning.)

Boyfriend: “California!” *punches me*

Me: “Ow!” *pouts* “I don’t wanna play anymore. You’re mean!”

Boyfriend: “You’re going to tattle to [sister] on me, aren’t you?”

Me: “I’ll say ‘Oh, [Sister]! [Boyfriend] is so abusive! He’s been punching me this whole—ooh, IDAHO!” *punches*

(I have my learner’s permit, and am driving with my mom.)

Mom: “All right, you’re coming up to a stop sign. Take a left.”

Me: “Okay, left it is.”

(I pull up to the left turn lane, put on my left turn signal, and take the left.)

Mom: “Why the heck did you take a left?”

Me: “Because you said to!”

Mom: “WELL, THEN YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE LISTENED TO ME!”

Me: “Besides, I put on my left signal and went into the left turn lane! You didn’t notice any of that?”

Mom: “Whatever. Take a right up ahead.”

(I very purposefully take a left.)

Mom: “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?”

Me: “Because you said I shouldn’t listen to you.”

Mom: “WELL, YOU SHOULD!”

(I am out with my friend and my boyfriend. it’s close to midnight, so I’m texting my mom to let her know what’s going on. My friend tends to have some pretty crazy ideas a lot of the time.)

Me: “Hey Mom, we’re going to Ohio, then I’m driving [friend] and [Boyfriend] home.”

(Realizing my mistake I quickly text her back, in hopes she will see my second text right after the first.)

Me: “NO WAIT, IHOP! I MEANT IHOP!”

Mom: “YOU’RE GOING WHERE?! TAKE THOSE KEYS AWAY FROM HER RIGHT NOW, AND DON’T LET HER HAVE THEM! I’M CALLING BOTH OF THEIR PARENTS!”

(I am in the car with my parents-in-law, and my wife. My mother-in-law plays the cello.)

Mother-In-Law: “My cello keeps losing tune. My G-String keeps slipping.”

(I turn to my wife and smile.)

Wife: “Get your mind out of the gutter!”