(My boyfriend and I are driving home from a day out, where we were on his friend’s boat. I have just given him eye-drops to try to reduce his eyes’ redness.)

Me: “I know why your eyes are sore; you were sitting in the front of the motorboat for three miles, while the driver was going top speed! You did look like a bad-a** though.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I was hoping you didn’t notice that there were tears coming down my face from how much the wind was irritating my eyes.”

Me: “The wind was so hard you were crying? Why on earth didn’t you move behind the windshield?”

Boyfriend: “Because I looked like a bad-a**…”

Me: “My hair is getting pretty long, isn’t it?”

Fiancé: “Well of course it is, honey; you’re a girl.”

Me: “What has that got to do with anything?”

Fiancé: “Sexism. Rampant sexism.”

(I have recently switched to a mail order pharmacy, and because of the change I am going to be without my birth control pill for about a week. I discuss this with my boyfriend. This is his first real relationship, and he isn’t sure yet if he loves me.)

Me: “So, that means that for about two weeks we are going to have to use another method of birth control just in case. What would you like to do? Condoms? ”

Boyfriend: “I don’t really like condoms. Why don’t we just keep going and hope for the best?”

Me: “Babe, this isn’t really a negotiation. The women in my family are extremely fertile, so unless you wrap it up, you aren’t getting any.”

Boyfriend: “Or, you could just get pregnant.”

Me: “Ha ha, no offense babe, but I don’t really want to get knocked up by a guy who isn’t sure how he feels about our relationship.”

Boyfriend: “But then I wouldn’t have a choice! We would be stuck with each other! Isn’t that a good solution?”

Me: “…I really hope you’re kidding.”

Boyfriend: “I guess you’ll find out in nine months.”

(I am visiting my cousin on vacation, and we are talking about places to go.)

Cousin: “We can go to the zoo and visit your cousins.”

(My cousin realizes what she’s just said.)

Cousin: “Wait, I meant your cousins from the other side of the family!”

(My wife and I are driving. She is extremely smart, but has REALLY dumb moments.)

Wife: “Wow, it’s raining really hard!”

(We keep driving. A little while later, we go into a tunnel.)

Wife: “Oh, hey! It stopped!”

(We get to the other side of the tunnel.)

Wife: “Oh… never mind.”