(My boyfriend and I are driving home from a restaurant and brought cheddar biscuits home with us.)

Me: “These smell so good. I’d have sex with them.”

Boyfriend: “If I smelled like that would you have sex with me?”

Me: “Probably.”

Boyfriend: “I wonder if I could bottle this scent…”

(We are on the way to a cocktail party with my nine-year-old niece and four-year-old son in the back seat.)

Niece: “Can we have a cocktail at the party?”

Wife:  “No, sweetheart, they’re grown-up drinks. But you can have a mocktail.”

Niece:  “What’s that?”

Wife:  “That’s a blend of juices and fizzy drinks specially for kids.”

Niece:  “Yay!”

Son:  “If [Niece] is having a mocktail, then I’m having one too!”

Niece:  “That’s decided then: the kids get mock and the adults get cock.”

(Five of us meet at my and Friend #1’s apartment and carpool to go out skating. Now we are going home. Friend #1 is driving. Friends #2 & #3 don’t have cars. I’m originally from Alaska.)

Friend #1: “[Friend #2], where are you spending the night? Should I bring [Friend #3] back to our apartment, and you can go to his parent’s place with him later, or should I just drop him off at his parent’s place now?”

Friend #2: “That is… a very good question. I don’t know where I’m staying tonight. [Friend #3], where am I staying tonight?”

Friend #3: “Uh…”

Friend #1: “We’re trying to decide where I’m dropping you off. Am I taking you to your parent’s place, or are you coming back to the apartment first?”

Friend #3: “I don’t know…”

Friend #2: “Either way, I’m ending up at [Friend #3]’s parent’s house, so unless you want me walking alone, at night, through [rough part of town], he’s coming back to our apartment.

Friend #1: “Good point. Okay.”

Friend #4: “As long as you guys won’t be too long, I can always drive you. My car is back at the apartment.”

Friend #2: “That would be perfect.”

Friend #3: “Well, that was a lot more complicated than it needed to be. Could we have made that any more complicated?”

Friend #1: “Okay, [Friend #3]. First, I’m going to drop [My Name] at your parent’s house. Then I’m going to drop all of you off at the apartment, go pick up [Friend #5], and then maybe hit a grocery store.

Friend #3: “And then we’re all going to Alaska!”

Me: “Normally, I would be fine with that, but last time I talked to my aunt, it was -20 in Anchorage.”

Friend #3: “And then we’re all going to Florida!”

(I am driving with my friend. My friend is giving me directions to a store she wants to visit. Unfortunately, no matter which direction she wants me to turn, she always tells me to turn right. After making three right turns with her yelling that she meant for me to turn the other way, I have stopped trusting her directions entirely.)

Friend: “Make a right at this light.”

Me: “Wait, do you mean right-right or left-right?”

Friend: “Left-right.”

Me: “Okay, good.” *turns left*

(It’s Friday night and I have had a bad week. My cat died, I worked a double shift the night before, and I was working until nine this night. I really wanted to see my boyfriend but living an hour away and having to work again on Saturday, I understood that I wouldn’t. At one point my boyfriend had thought about coming over, but decided against it since he hadn’t brought a change of clothes or anything to entertain him while I was at work. He says his mom has invited him over, which kind of upsets me as I’m already not in a good mood. The two of us are also ‘Friends’ fans and he sends me a text as I’m leaving work.)

Boyfriend: “Don’t get on the bus! The phalanges are broken!”

Me: “Huh? What phalanges?”

Boyfriend: “The phalanges! On the bus!”

Me: “Uh huh… right.”

Boyfriend: “Seriously! Don’t get on the bus! Think of the children!”

Me: “What children?”

Boyfriend: “The children on the bus! The phalanges!”

Me: “Right, sure.”

Boyfriend: “Do you really want to risk it?”

(I stop walking to reply to the last message and as I do, I see a car I recognize to be his speeding through the parking lot. He barrels past me, doing a double take as he passes, realizing I’m standing there, he slams on the brakes. On the verge of tears I run over to the car.)

Me: “You’re here.”

Boyfriend: “D*** it! I was trying to be all cute and romantic and I didn’t expect you to leave work so early!”

Me: “I got out on time!”

Boyfriend: “I know! But still! It’s not cute and romantic anymore!”

(I lean in and give him a kiss.)

Me: “It’s totally cute and romantic. And just what I needed.”