(We’re at the wake for my grandma, and I excuse myself for some “fresh air,” i.e. a cigarette. My cousin decides to come with me, and as I walk outside I light up…)

Cousin: “Wait a minute! You lied! You said you were going for fresh air!”

Me: “You actually thought I meant fresh air?”

Cousin: “Of course I did! I’m telling on you! Look, here comes [Aunt].”

(My aunt, my cousin’s mother, comes outside, and lights up, too. My cousin’s been living in Ireland for some time, so didn’t know her mother had started smoking again.)

Cousin: “Oh, my god, you too?! You’re all terrible! I’m telling!”

Aunt: “Who’re you gonna tell, my mum?”

(At that we all just cracked up, and it took several minutes for us to collect ourselves. Gallows humour isn’t for everyone, but by god does it run in our family.)

(I am the general manager of a large Irish pub in a city centre. It’s a Saturday night, we have a live band playing, and the pub is extremely busy, I’m standing on the front door with the door man.)

Customer: *walking out of front door* “It’s disgusting. It’s too busy in there.”

Me: “I’m sorry; what is the problem?”

Customer: *getting irate* “It’s too busy; there are too many people and I have to wait to get served.”

Me: “It is a Saturday night and there is a band playing. It’s often this busy.”

Customer: “It’s disgusting. I’m never coming back!”

Me: “I’m sorry that our business model is clearly working.”

(I am a European girl working in a bar in Japan that advertises as being international. Foreign staff are often popular with Japanese customers who frequently tell us how “kawaii” (cute) we are. On this occasion I am talking to a couple of slightly drunk Japanese girls.)

Customer: “Aaaaaaah, you’re so cute!”

Me: *smiling, since we get this a lot* “Thank you.”

Customer: “Ah, you’re so cute! It’s because your face is small and you have a nose!”

Me: “Thank you…?”

(Apparently having a nose is somehow exciting!)

(I’m a hostess at a restaurant that is comprised of a dining room on one side and a lounge/bar on the other. Children, for obvious reasons, are not permitted on the bar side. On this evening we are packed, which is not unusual for a Friday night. A female customer approaches me at the front desk.)

Customer: “How long is the wait for the dining room?”

Me: “Good evening. Right now we are looking at a forty-five minute wait for the dining room. Would you like me to put your name down?”

Customer: “Forty-five minutes! That’s pretty s***ty! What about the bar?”

Me: “The bar does have availability. Is everyone in your party over eighteen?”

Customer: “No, I have two little kids that are d*** near starving!”

Me: “I apologize, but minors are not permitted in the bar side.”

Customer: *shouts* “Oh, you just hate children, then!”

Me: *stunned silence*

(The family left, the mother swearing and cursing our “children hating” policies.)

(While in university in 2006 I have one friend who unfortunately over the long run turns about to be a real p****. Frequently he will go into arrogant rants about how he is so much better than us due to him liking different stuff. One night I, my other two housemates, this guy, and a female friend are all out in a bar. As usual this guy is pissed off about something unrelated (which happens often) and throughout the night he is either angrily mocking us or snapping at anything we say. Finally we get to talking about music; immediately this guy decides to put us down.)

Old Friend: “Don’t talk to me about music. You guys don’t know s*** about good music. Like you–” *points to female friend* “–with your f****** Christina Aguilera, you with your s***** Oasis, and you–” *points to one my male housemates* ” –liking those crappy old bands like Queen or Genesis. All people you like are f****** sellouts!”

Me: “Mate, just give it a rest!”

Old Friend: “Why don’t you f*** off! Face it, you know nothing about anything good. I like real music like Jose Gonzalez, Aphex Twins, and Boards of Canada! None of the people I like are f****** idiots who sell themselves out!”

(Our female friend is quite shy and not normally known for speaking out, but this time she comes up with a real zinger.)

Female Friend: “Didn’t Jose Gonzalez sell his music for a Sony commercial recently?”

Old Friend: “Yeah? So f***** what?”

Female Friend: “Well, that’s kinda how he became known recently; does that also make him a sellout?”

(The reaction on my old friend’s face was priceless! He went throughout every emotion possible before he stormed out while we laughed loudly. Sadly this was to become common in the last couple of years. Now none of us are on speaking terms with him. I will always remember his expression that night.)