(My 4-year-old half brother has come to visit me over the summer and is enthralled with my pet hamster. He is heartbroken to learn that because they had cats at home, he can’t have a hamster of his own, since the cats would try to eat it. They return home, and he is enumerating the pets he wants to get after the cats die.)

Half-brother: “I want a hamster, and some goldfish…”

(He stops to think for a second.)

Half-brother: “Hamsters don’t eat goldfish, do they?”

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5-year-old daughter: “Mommy, why is daddy getting old before you?”

Me: “Because he was born before me.”

Daughter: “So, daddy was born from grandma, and I was born from your tummy?”

Me: “Yes, and so was your little brother.”

3-year-old son: *suddenly panicking* “I don’t wanna get born!”

(I am about 7 years old. I have bought a birthday book and am asking what year everyone was born.)

Me: “Mum, what year were you born?”

Mum: “56.'”

Me: “1856 or 1956?”

(My four-year-old daughter is leafing through one of our DVD books, looking for a movie.)

Me: “Why don’t you look in your DVD book for a movie?”

Daughter: “No, I want the one I watched with Daddy, with the…” *makes a motion like firing a gun*

Me: “Gun? Um, okay, what else did it have?”

Daughter: “Humans.”

Me: “Guns and humans…that doesn’t really narrow it down. What else?”

Daughter: “Trees, and blue suits.”

Me: *taking a wild leap of logic* “GI Joe?”

Daughter: “Yes!” *starts singing* “GI Joe, GI Joe, GI Jooooooe!”

(I’m in the car with my sister and her three daughters. Her middle daughter has had her first sleepover.)

Niece: “Millie’s house was so cool! It’s really big and she has lots of pets. She even has a pirate!”

Me: “A pirate?”

Niece: “Yeah!”

Sister: “How can she have a pirate? You can’t keep them as pets.”

Niece: “But she did! And it could fly and talk and everything!”

Me: “…do you mean a parrot?”

Niece: *realises* “Oooh…”