(We are at a family reunion, and my 97-year-old great-grandfather is questioning one of his sons (my great-uncle) about the desserts available.)

Grandpa: “So, what kind of pies are there?”

Uncle: “There’s a chocolate one and a coconut one.”

Grandpa: “So, there’s coconut?”

Uncle: “Yes, there’s coconut and chocolate.”

Grandpa: “Is there chocolate?”

Uncle: “Yes.”

Grandpa: “And coconut?”

Uncle: “Dad, there’s a chocolate pie and a coconut pie.”

Grandpa: “But there’s coconut, right?”

Uncle: ”Yes!”

Grandpa: “Well, I want chocolate. I hate coconut!”

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(My mom needs more pens for work. My dad hands my mom a box full of pens to show her that we have a ton.)

Mom: *struggles with box* “Can you put this box back where you found it? You have a habit of shoving stuff at me and then leaving me alone with it.”

Me: “Like me!”

(My sister and I are on vacation together and are at a spa. My sister is 6 years older than me.)

Employee: “Wow! You guys must be twins!”

(Sister and I stare at each other.)

Me: “I don’t know if I should be offended, or if you should be flattered.”

(My sister and I are playing the card game ‘War’, and have paused to compare the sizes of our decks.)

Sister: “I’m rather diminished.”

Me: “Yes, you shall diminish and go into the West, and remain a loser.”

(In order to motivate my little nephews in to eating, sometimes my mom and I will pretend we’re going to eat their food. My three-year-old nephew is distracted by the television, so I decide to motivate him.)

Me: “If you don’t eat those chicken nuggets, then I’m going to do it!”

Nephew: *turns to look at me very seriously* “You’re going to get fat if you do.”

(I am speechless. My mom is laughing hysterically.)