Me: “Dad! What’s for dinner?”

Dad: “Food.”

Me: “…okay, dad, but what kind of food?”

Dad: “Good food.”

Me: “What kind of good food?!”

Dad: “Really good food!”

Me: “Jesus Christ, forget it. I’ll go downstairs and check!”

Me: “Hey, mom, I’ve been thinking.”

Mom: “Yeah?”

Me: “If I ever get sentenced to death row for any reason, I want my last meal to involve lots of alcohol. That way, when I wake up in Heaven, I won’t remember how painful my execution was.”

Mom: “Good idea. Although, these days they use a lethal injection, which is kind of like falling asleep.”

Me: “Yeah, but they do it with a needle!”

(My dad and I are sitting in the living room. He is tinkering away on his new phone.)

Dad: “I don’t think I’m getting text messages. Can you send me something?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I text dad. A couple of seconds later, my dad’s phone goes off.)

Dad: “Oh, it does work!” *reads text* “Poop.”

Me: *giggles*

Dad: “You sent me poop.”

Me: “You could say it was my DOO-DEE to do so!”

Dad: “…you’re so mature.”

(My brother and I play the videogame ‘Skyrim’ together. We are facing the vampire lord for the first time, when he reveals his monster form. To transform, he seems to explode.)

Brother: “Did you see that?! That was scary! He just went… he just exploded!”

(My brother looks really freaked out, which surprises me because he is a monster-movie fan.)

Me: “Are you serious?”

Brother: “Eh, I mean, kind of! You have to admit, that was kind of scary. He was just …pop! And then… ughhhh!”

Me: “Okay, I guess so…”

Brother: “Well, at least he didn’t sparkle…”

Cousin’s Son: “Why would there be vampires in the national anthem?”

Cousin: “What?”

Cousin’s Son: “What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming…”