This Kid Wasn’t Born Yesterday

| South Bend, IN, USA | Related | December 15, 2011

(I am checking in my young son).

Front desk: “And what is your son’s date of birth?”

(I want my son to say it so he can learn.)

Son: “The second…”

Front desk: “Of what month?”

Son: *proudly* “October!”

Front desk: “Do you know what year, hun?”

Son: *thinks* “Every year!”

The Golden Age Of Crazy

| Australia | Related | December 15, 2011

(My best friend and I are at a small café. My friend drops and bottle lid on the floor, I pick it up. Soon after, a man approaches us.)

Man: *to friend* “Excuse me, do you have a grandmother?”

Friend: “Uh… yes?”

Man: “If your grandmother slipped on a bottle lid and broke her hip, you’d be sad, right?”

Friend: “Yeah, but…”

Man: “If she broke her hip, she’d probably die. How would you feel to know that you killed your grandmother?!”

Me: “Please, stop talking to her that way. She hasn’t killed her grandmother, and there’s no bottle lids on the floor.”

Man: *shouting* “But, there was before! She dropped it! She could have killed a grandmother!”

(The manager comes over to ask the man to calm down.)

Manager: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”

Man: *literally sobbing* “These girls killed all the grandmothers!”

Manager: “Sir, I assure you that they haven’t killed any grandmoth–”

Man: “There’s a grandmother out there by the road! You see her?”

(He runs out side and does a tackle dive in front of an old lady.)

Man: “I’ll protect you, Gran!”

(He hugs her. The old lady hits the man with her handbag and walks away.)

Fatherhood Can Be A Sizeable Task

| Auburn Hills, MI, USA | Related | December 14, 2011

(A father and grandfather walk in. The father is holding a little boy.)

Father: “Do you have clothes for his size?”

Me: “I’m sure we do. What size is he?”

(The father looks confused for a moment. Suddenly, he holds his child out to me.)

Father: “This size!”

Moms Always Intercede For Their Super Seed

| Horsham, PA, USA | Related | December 14, 2011

(I’m sitting on the top of a 10 foot slide, helping little kids up so their parents can climb up with them. A dad walks over with a baby who looks a little under a year old.)

Me: “Want me to help get him up for you?”

Father: “Nah, I got him.”

(He holds the baby like a foot ball.)

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure how safe that is.”

Father: “Ready? Fly!”

(He throws the baby head first to the slide, to reveal the baby’s wearing a large cape. The mother comes running over.)

Mother: “George! How many times do I have to tell you?! Robbie is not super-baby!”

Kids Love Kisses, Cuddles, And Face-Huggers

| Melbourne, Australia | Related | December 14, 2011

(I work in a specialty bookstore. We have a number of plush toys from various science-fiction series around the store. A man walks in with his 3-4 year old daughter. He leaves her by the counter while he looks at books. She proceeds to ask what all the toys in the store are. She points at the Xenomorph by the register.)

Little girl: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s a Xenomorph. They’re from the movie Aliens.”

Little girl: “They pop from your tummy!”

Me: “Chest, actua–wait, how do you know that?!”

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