Obituary Required For Common Sense

(I work in online death notices. As we’re based in Australia, it’s worth noting from the outset that the caller had a Canadian accent.)

Caller: “Yeah, hi. I’m listed on your site, but I’m not dead.”

Me: “Oh no! Let me check this out for you. What name was it?”

Caller: “[Name].”

Me: “Yes, I see the listing. Just let me check something.”

(We do sometimes get incorrect notices for people who are alive, mostly imported from old archive records.)

Me: “This is strange; the listing was posted yesterday from [Funeral Home].”

Caller: “Well, it needs to come down.”

Me: “Where are you calling from, by the way?”

Caller: “[City] in Canada.”

Me: “Okay, well, this listing is for a [Name] from [Suburb of Sydney], so it’s not you.”

Caller: “But it’s my name!”

Me: “Yes, but this person had the same name.”

Caller: “People are going to Google me and think I’m dead. I’m applying for jobs, and I’m not going to get hired if people think I’m dead.”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t remove the listing as the family of the deceased has requested it be online.”

Caller: “Can you change the name on the listing?”

Me: “No, if I did that the people who were looking for this person’s listing would not be able to find it.”

Caller: “I need a contact number for a family member for this guy. He must have had a nickname or something they can use.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I can’t give you that information. There’s nothing I can really do for you here. I’m sure any potential employer will understand you’re not dead.”

Caller: “I just don’t understand why my name is even there.”

Me: “It’s very rare for a name to be completely unique. If you keep Googling you’ll probably find a lot of people with your name.”

Caller: “Well, make it stop!”