All of our stories, starting with the newest!
(I’m getting ready for work and my fiancé is still in bed.)
Me: “I would really rather stay here and cuddle with you than go to work.”
Fiancé: “You should stay. Come to the dark side; we have cuddles!”
Me: “I’m pretty sure that ‘cuddles’ is basically the opposite of the dark side.”
(My girlfriend is kind of a ‘90s riot-girl. I´ve had a hard time giving her a ‘pet name,’ as everything just seems wrong. Calling her ‘baby’ or ‘honey’ makes me feel really uncomfortable, and she doesn’t like it much either. However, lately I’ve started making fun of the whole thing using a modified quote from her favourite movie, “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”. She thinks it’s awesome, so I keep using it. We are at a house party with a bunch of my friends. They all really like my girlfriend, and keep telling me to hold on to her.)
Girlfriend: “So, I’m getting another drink. Want one?”
Me: “No, thanks. I’m good.”
(My girlfriend gets up and walks towards the kitchen. I lift up my bottle of beer, only to realize that it is actually close to empty.)
Me: *shouting* “Hey! Sweetie, honey, baby, child, WHATEVER! Get me another beer!”
(At this point, ALL the people in the room have turned to me and are giving me the evil eye.)
Me: “NO! Wait! She… It’s an inside joke! She finds it funny!”
(Everyone is still glaring.)
Me: *to girlfriend* “Please…”
Girlfriend: *bursts out laughing* “MAN! I wish I could keep a straight face right now! Your friends would MURDER you!”
(I’m a big fan of Christmas music. I’m in bed with my boyfriend and can’t sleep. He is about to fall asleep. I start singing Christmas songs under my breath. It’s the last night of November.)
Me: “We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas—”
Boyfriend: “For goodness sake! It’s not even December yet.”
Me: “It will be if I keep singing for a couple more hours!”
(My boyfriend covers his head with a pillow. I stop singing, realizing that it’s bothering him. Then he gets out of bed and leaves the room. He comes back with my Christmas hat and sexy red baby doll slip.)
Boyfriend: “Keep singing, ‘Santa Baby.’ But make sure you dress the part. We need to start this Christmas season right.”
(My boyfriend has an adorable niece. Her father is a hardcore gamer. We go over to visit.)
Niece: *shrieks and screams* “Zomie ki ki! Zomie ki ki!”
(My niece points at the very old, very thin cat who is hiding under the couch.)
Mother: “Yeah. Some of her first words. ‘Zombie kitty.’ Whenever she sees that cat she screams and hides from the zombie kitty.”
Me: *to my boyfriend* “You have the coolest niece ever!”
(I was with almost everyone from my father’s side of the family, at my grandmother’s home during Christmas. My nephew is about five years old at the time.)
Me: *casually* “Hey, Dad…”
Nephew: *to me* “You have a DAD?!”
This story is part of our Father’s Day roundup.
