(I am a split class. Class B (my class) and class C (the other half) are arguing about who is better:)

Class B Girl: “‘B’ stands for best and brilliant!”

Class C Girl: “‘C’ stands for clever and cool!”

Class B Girl: “C.O.O.L. Constipated overrated old loser!”

Class C Girl: “Caring, creative.”

Class B Girl: “Beautiful, brave.”

Class C Girl: “Charming, calm.”

(Class B is now running out of words.)

Class B Girl Called Beth: “BETHIEST!”

Class C Girl: “That doesn’t count!”

Class B Girl Called Beth: “BANANATASTIC!”

(My little brother is about five years old and he’s talking about a girl in his class who annoyed him today.)

Brother: “If she wasn’t so pretty, I’d hit her with a bus. Because she’s so pretty, I’ll just hit her with a scooter.”

(My boyfriend is showing me a picture where a parent is playing with their two-year-old and spelling cuss words in the toy blocks.)

Boyfriend: “We’re totally going to do that when we have kids.”

Me: “Yeah, probably. We’re gonna be terrible parents.”

Boyfriend: “Are you kidding? We’re going to be great parents!”

Me: “We’ll be good parents.”

Boyfriend: “We’ll be okay parents.”

Me: “…At least we won’t kill the kid.”

(My boyfriend is making dinner while I sort out some emails. I begin to get a little worried.)

Me: “I just hope this woman isn’t angry with me.”

Boyfriend: “Maybe she’s on her period, and she’s trying to be happy but sounds unhappy by accident.”

Me: *half-laughing, half serious* “You have got to stop that.”

Boyfriend: “Stop what?”

Me: “You have got to stop making period jokes!”

Boyfriend: “Okay, Jane Austen.”

Me: “…”

Dad: “You are so ungrateful!”

Me: “I’m your kid. I’m not supposed to be grateful; the only things I’m supposed to do are eat your food and break your heart!”

Dad: “Well, you’re doing a damned good job at both of those.”