All of our stories, starting with the newest!
(Listening to my “Household Soundtrack” playlist on my cell phone set to random during mutual kitchen chores:)
Husband: “We seem to be getting a weird mix of…”
Me: “Half Christian, half hyper-sexed secular?”
Husband: “And I’m having trouble figuring out which ones have more explicit sexual overtones… or the more profound spiritual imagery.”
(My boyfriend likes to tease me, and after a bad day, his joking is annoying yet cheering me up as we head to his office.)
Me: *laughing* “You are such an insufferable d*** sometimes.”
Boyfriend: “Yes, I know.”
(He then gives me some dollars bills, which I use for the bus.)
Boyfriend: “…At least you get paid for the privilege.”
Me: “You know, it feels wrong to accept money for that. Like a weird kind of prostitution.”
Boyfriend: “It’s called pester-tution.”
(I am listing of random restaurants for lunch and pause to think of another.)
Husband: *in another room* “I’m listening.”
Me: “I’m thinking. You’re not in here. You can’t smell the wood burning.”
Husband: “You smell wood burning? That’s not good.”
Me: “…”
Husband: “Oh… I took you literally about smelling wood burning.”
(Two of our relatives have just moved to a new apartment and are holding a housewarming party. One of the presents is a kitchenware set that includes coffee mugs.)
Me: *picks a mug up and pretends to take a sip out of it*
Sister: *jokingly* “[My Name!] Keep your filthy lips off the cups!”
Me: *also jokingly* “Me? Filthy?! You’re the one with the Coke lips!”
(For context, my sister has a tube of novelty lip gloss that tastes like Coca-Cola, so when she wears it, she technically has Coke lips.)
(My father and step-mother have just gotten back from a stroll. My step-mother goes into the bathroom as a TV show is starting. Note that we can pause and rewind shows.)
Dad: *calling out* “Should I rewind it?”
(No response.)
Dad: “How do you stop this thing?”
Me: “Did you try hitting “pause”?”
Dad: “No, I don’t wanna try to get clever. I’ll just wait for [Step-Mother] to get back.”
Me: “…”
(I’m not sure what he thought would go wrong just from hitting “pause”…)
