Need Some Ma’am Malm

(I’m a technician, going over discharge instructions for a dog with an eye injury. I have a reputation for getting more and more polite the more difficult or foolish the clients become.)

Me: “So you’ll need to put these drops in his eye three times a day for the next two weeks, and make sure he wears his E-collar.”

Client: “Will it make him not want to eat?”

Me: “You can take the collar off while he’s eating, but put it right back on afterwards and don’t let him scratch the eye.”

Client: “No, the drops. Will they make him sick to his stomach?”

Me: “No, ma’am. They don’t cause nausea.”

Client: “Do they taste bad? Can I mix them with peanut butter? That’s what I do for his other pills.”

Me: “NO! Ma’am, these are EYE drops. He shouldn’t eat them. They go in his eye. It’s a topical medication.”

Client: “Ohhh. Do I put them in both eyes or just the squinty one?”

Me: “Just the squinty one, ma’am.”

Client: “Are you sure? What if his other eye gets squinty?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’m sure. He has a scratch on his eye. Those aren’t contagious. I promise.”

Client: “Well, I’ll put them in both eyes anyway, just in case.”

Me: *gives up* “Sure, ma’am. Just make sure to keep up with the drops in the affected eye for the full two weeks. If you run out early just come in and we’ll get you some more.”

(The client leaves, and the practice manager comes out from behind the desk where she’d been sitting trying not to laugh.)

Manager: “I bet [Veterinarian] five bucks she would be a seven Ma’am-er, at least!”