It Was All In Vain-illa

(A couple approach the counter at the ice cream shop where I work. Every flavour we stock is on display, clearly labelled.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Male Customer: “Hmm… what flavour is this one here?”

Me: “Mango.”

Male Customer: “Yes, I can read that, but what does it taste like?”

Me: “Mangoes.”

Male Customer: “Uh. You mean the fruit mango?”

Me: “Yes.”

Female Customer: “I don’t think you would like that.”

Male Customer: “No, no.”

Female Customer: “He doesn’t really like fruity flavours.”

Male Customer: “No, I don’t like fruity flavours.”

Me: “Well, down this end we have non-fruit flavours. Chocolate, coffee, rum and raisin, butterscotch, mint…”

Male Customer: “Ugh, no, not mint.”

Female Customer: “Well, I would like something different. I always get strawberry. What do you have other than strawberry?”

Me: “We have twenty-four flavours.“ *indicating the display directly in front of them* “How about I give you some sample spoons of some of my favourites?”

Female Customer: “Oh, no, I don’t want to trouble you like that.”

Male Customer: “No, no, no trouble at all.”

Female Customer: “We don’t like getting something for nothing.”

Male Customer: “We’re upstanding people! Say, what’s this here?”

Me: “Nutella, that one is really nice.”

Male Customer: “Nutella. That’s hazelnut, right?”

Me: “Yes.”

Male Customer: “Oh, no, I don’t like nuts.”

Female Customer: “He doesn’t like nuts.”

(Awkward silence.)

Me: “Would you like a moment to make a decision?”

Female Customer: “Oh, no.”

Male Customer: “No, we’re not picky. Say? What’s a plain flavour?”

Me: “Vanilla?”

Male Customer: “VANILLA!”

Female Customer: “Two vanillas, that sounds nice.”

Me: “In a cone or a cup?”

Female Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: *pointing at the items* “Cone. Cup.”

(Awkward silence.)

Male Customer: “Does the cup come with a spoon?”

Me: “Yes.”

Male Customer: “Oh, that’s handy!”

Female Customer: “Yes, that’s very handy!”

Male Customer: “That’s good, that’s good! Two CUPS! Of VANILLA!”

Me: “Okay, coming up!”

Female Customer: “Well, that was nice and easy!”

Me: “…?”